Life insurance.

When I say eat healthy, most people think of bland food with the consistency of cardboard, but it doesn't have to be like that. Increasing your fruit and vegetable intake (not soaking them in butter or salad dressing) is a tasty alternative to potato chips and yogurt is an excellent low cal snack that can also stop nausea and aid digestion. Flavorful options are everywhere, you just need to find what you like.

There are daily challenges to eating healthy and taking care of your body. The question you should ultimately ask yourself when faced with these challenges is, "Does my body NEED this or do I simply WANT this?" For example, a common excuse for stopping by the drive-thru for a double cheeseburger and fries is "I didn't have time for a healthier option." You DID have time, but you haven't given yourself an option. It takes just as much time to pack your own lunch or grab some healthy food at a nearby grocery store than it does to sit in a fast food drive thru. The fast food industry has done an outstanding job training consumers' brains into thinking that their food is a good option for those in a hurry.

Your challenge is retraining your brain to see through their advertising and realize the long term dangers of unhealthy living. Think of a healthy lifestyle as a life insurance policy. By exercising regularly and eating right, you are adding healthy active years to your life instead of shortening it. We have all seen people in their early 50's that look decades older than their actual age. Wouldn't you rather spend your retirement years healthy an active instead of racking up thousands in medical bills due to poor health?


Think about what you want out of your future. Get off of the couch and get active..eat well, but eat right. Be healthy.

More flirting in the office.

So Tony emailed me back:

He DOES do flirty things. He puts his hands on my waist when no one is looking, he says things like "I don't know what I'd do without you." and things like that. He even saw me wearing a dress once and said if he wasn't married, I'd be "in trouble."

He is totally in to me, but only at work. I feel bad for liking a married man, but I am really attracted to him. I don't think I am confusing this at all. He has pretty much given me every signal that he is into me. What's up?

Tony

I was unable to get through to Theresa, so I am winging this on my own...

Tony, this guy is a bastard. If he is married (or even if he were dating for that matter) he shouldn't be flirting with or acting like that with other women. I feel sorry for his wife at this point. She may have no idea what's going on, or she may be trying to make believe it's not happening, but either way, you are stepping into a world of hurt here. Yeah, you may be attracted to him, but you need to ask yourself, are you attracted to HIM...or what you can't have? Would you like to finally be with him and have him do the same thing to you that he is doing to his wife? I don't think so. Do what you can to look elsewhere for an attraction. You deserve more than that. Everyone does.

A letter.

Tony from Ohio writes:

Sean

This site is awesome. Not only do I get to read relationship advice, but I also get some good music for my IPOD..thanks for that. It's like the perfect site.

I am writing in because I am confused by a guy I like. He is always flirting with me at work and we get along really well, but he is married. We haven't spent time alone together (I've asked him to go for drinks, but he's always busy), and I am beginning to wonder if he even has any feelings for me at all. He is really flirtatious with me at work, but doesn't seem to want to every get together after work. I feel bad for liking a guy who is married, but I am also confused as to why he'd be flirtatious and not have any feelings for me outside of work.. Any ideas?

Tony

Theresa- He doesn't have feelings for you. I am guessing you are mistaking friendliness for flirting. If he jokes with you and has conversations with you, that isn't flirting. It's being friendly. Notice: FRIENDly. I am guessing he likes being friends with you. Keep up the asking him out after work thing and you are going to cause issues that may end that friendship. Just be happy you have a hot guy friend.

Sean- I agree. He isn't necessarily flirting with you by joking around and talking with you. If he says more intimate things, gives you small gifts, or is willing to go out with you on a date, then it's something other than friendship, but in that case, why would you want to be with a man that would willingly cheat on his partner? Guys are simple people. Don't think more into this than you already have. He probably is not flirting. It sounds like he is just being a friendly guy. Don't let your attraction screw up a good thing.

More later? We'll see...

Queen

So my daughter is into Queen...yeah, the band. I think that is awesome! I was into basic rock and top 40 stuff until I turned 12 or 13, then I branched out, but she LOVES that type of stuff.

I was a total Queen fanatic in my teens and owned every single album they released, so I took some time this morning and put a few songs on her MP3 player. We'll see what she thinks. What are some of the first musical artists YOU remember going nuts over?

Another question

I received an email while writing the last one. Interesting.

It simply asks: "Why do you recommend therapy so much? Do you really feel it's that good for people?"

I can't speak for Theresa, but I recommend therapy because I feel that it is good for people. Therapy gets a bad wrap because people usually link it to getting a bottle of medication. Therapy, if done correctly, IS the medication and no drugs are needed. Sometimes, a few sessions with a therapist is all it takes to overcome issues or make discoveries about yourself that help you in life. This blog is to offer advice (and show some insight into my life), but when it goes beyond the role of simple advice, I always recommend therapy because it's the right thing to do.

Keep your love in your hearts and hands.

A new question

It's been awhile since I had an advice email, so I was excited to finally see one in the inbox today.

Michelle from Missouri writes:

Hi

I like this site alot. You also have a great taste in music. I just wanted you to know that. Now, onto my issue:

I don't know how long it's been exactly, but I have been afraid of love as far back as I can remember. I am okay with sex and casual dating, but when it gets serious, I get scared and usually flee or do something to destroy the relationship.

I don't know that anything specific ever happened to make me fear love, but it's the weirdest feeling. I fall in love, then get so scared inside..like someone took the world out from under my feet. I panic and within a week or two, I've destroyed the relationship. I feel horrible when I do it, but I also feel relieved when it's done.

Help!

Michelle



Theresa-I think there is more to this story. Michelle, you need some help, plain and simple. Fear of a loving relationship is not something that is normal and you should definitely investigate when and how this began. I'm going to keep this one short and say look into therapy.

Sean-I think there is a definite issue here. If you don't remember what could have happened to spur this type of behavior, have you looked into finding out whether or not you may have mentally blocked this out? Maybe it was something traumatic. Are you able to have normal platonic loving relationships? In either case, I am recommending therapy for this as well. It's, as Theresa said, not normal to fear a loving relationship. The fact that you panic tells me it's linked to something your brain connected with the feeling of love. I hope you find the help you need.

In this moment

How would you like to see this woman walk onstage, then belt out some of the most melodic metal you've ever heard? Her name is Maria Brink and her band's name is In This Moment. Their album "The Dream" is in stores now. Rock.

Back from Iowa.

I am back from the funeral. It was a nice service in which my sister sang (well), and my aunt and dad gave great eulogies. My aunt's eulogy sparked a chain of memories within me, though, which is the purpose for this blog.

My aunt started her eulogy by saying something along the lines of, "people in our family don't express their love with words or emotions very well..". The second she said it, a flood of memories poured into my mind. We don't! I don't tell my parents how much I love them enough, or how much I appreciate the guidance they've given me. I certainly don't tell my sisters how great I think they are, or how each one has influenced me to be the person I am today. I don't tell my brother that no matter what, I always have his back (even though that means kicking his ass at times).

I do, however, show that emotion well with women I have dated. I think there may be one or two women TOTAL that would say I was emotionally unavailable...the rest would agree with my aforementioned statement. I've always been perfectly okay showing affection and verbalizing how much I love someone, as long as it wasn't family. I don't know exactly WHY that is, but it's been that way as far back as I can remember. Some women that I can think of, have also not been able to accept love or affection. It's a tough experience to want to show love and affection, but have it make the other person uncomfortable. The women in my life have always been the major outlet for my appreciation, but I realize that I also need to do a better job of appreciating my own family too.

We may NOT show affection by words or deeds, but that doesn't have to be the status quo. We can all change that. Tell your own families you love them and let them know how much they mean to you. Life's little moments are the moments that should be treasured. By showing your loved ones how much you really do love them, those little moments are easier to come by.

Out of town.

So this is my first done solely from my iPhone. If the formatting sucks, I will apologize in advance.

I am headed to my grandpa's funeral tomorrow and won't be back until Sunday, but I will share my thoughts when I get back.

In the meantime, I have had a few more people asking questions and commenting on my iPod playlist.
The first question was, "Is that the only kind of music you have on there?"

No it isn't. That is merely my workout playlist. The rest of my iPod music is pretty varied and includes such artists as:
Maria Mena
Erin McCarley
James Morrisson
Ratatat
Mgmt
Stevie Wonder
Gaslight Anthem
Rolling Stones and many more

The second question was "Are you not a fan of rap or r&b?"
I am not a huge fan of rap or r&b, mainly because of how lacking in emotion the lyrics can be. Now before you start your nasty email to me, let me clarify that statement..

Rap and r&b lyrics seem to be about getting or being rich, then either trying to buy love and respect or being in love with someone (or wanting them back) purely because of the sex. To me, there is so much more to life than sex and money...therefore I find a connection with only a handful of rap or r&b songs.

Have a great weekend and hold close to the ones you love.

Hello Moto...I?

I went to a restaurant last night to have sake with a friend. I'd never been there and actually drove right past it while looking for it, but once I found it, I was captivated. The restaurant is named Moto-i and it's right next to Herkimer in Uptown. It's a Japanese sake bar with a full menu of delicious foods. I did the sake flight (three glasses of sake that they brew on their own), and enjoyed it very much. For those of you that have never tried sake, the wrong kind can taste like cheap vodka, but the right kind is like a smooth white wine. This was the smoothest sake I've ever had.

The food was also great. I had tuna sashimi (which was delicious but small), then went for some salmon rangoons with a hint of spice. My friend and I had a conversation about this blog and the bartender began chatting with us. Moon is her name, and she was awesome. I took a picture of the menu and posted in below, I left Moon out of the picture because I didn't have her permission.

Anyway, check out the place. You won't regret it.

A new day.

Easter was fun. Olivia had a blast hanging out with her cousins and hunting for Easter eggs. We even got dressed up and went to church. My dad came home from Iowa, though we're all turning right back around and heading down this weekend for his dad's funeral.

Thank you to everyone that sent their sympathies.

I got a letter too:

Marissa in Wisconsin wrote:

Hi!

I really love this blog. It's all so emotional. I really like the way you write Sean. Anyway, I have a question. I really like this guy, but he is quite a bit older than I am. I am 16 and he is 33. He is my teacher, actually, and he hasn't really shown physical interest in me, but I am really into him. Should I let him know that I think I like him? I think if I tell him, he'll realize that it's okay to explore his feelings for me. I know the legal possibilities if we get caught, but I just think we'd make a great couple.

Marissa

Theresa: No. Do NOT tell him. Plain and simple. Are you not attracted to people your own age? I am guessing there is more to this story, but whatever happens, do NOT tell him how you feel or act on your feelings.

Sean: I agree. I am sensing that you may have been abused or molested at an early age? I can't really explain why, but I am guessing there is, as Theresa said, more to this story. Acting on how you feel may make him feel very uneasy and end any communication you may have. If you act on those feelings, it may also jeopardize his career and any family situation he may have right now. You may have a crush on this person, but just let those feelings be. Also, I'd recommend looking in to therapy if you were abused at an early age.

Grandpa Wayne

My grandpa passed away today after a long battle with cancer. He will be missed.

Health...how healthy are you really?

Being healthy is more than just eating right and exercising. It's about taking care of your body. Part of that care is making sure you are disease free. The Minnesota AIDS walk is coming up on May 17, 2009, and I encourage you to all take part. I'm going, as I do every year, and I hope to see you there. I'd also ask that if you're sexually active, you get tested yearly. Your life is worth the cost.

It's a fun event and you'll learn more facts about AIDS, such as:

In the US, African American males account for almost 50% of AIDS diagnoses every year since 2004.

HIV prevalence has also been declining in four states in India.

An estimated 38.6 million [33.4 million-46.0 million] people worldwide were living with HIV at the end of 2005.


I'd also like you to take a look at this Facebook post by my friend Laura.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/note.php?note_id=107729161144&comments

It's about being healthy and it goes hand in hand with getting tested, but it's for a different reason. She and I worked with a wonderful woman named Tawn Mastrey who passed away from Hepatitis a while back. She is missed tremendously, and if you get tested for Hep, you'll be doing yourself and your partner a favor. Read the post and make sure you can REALLY say you're healthy.

Weird..

I got three emails basically asking the same thing:

What is your workout playlist?

My list is eclectic, but I'll list the top 20...

1. Fear Factory-Linchpin
2. Marylin Manson- This is the New Sh*t
3. Linkin Park-Given Up
4. MGMT-Kids
5. Coheed and Cambria-Welcome Home
6. All-American Rejects- Breakin'
7. Motley Crue-Kickstart My Heart
8. The Maine-Everything I Ask for
9. Modest Mouse-Missed the Boat
10. Murs-Everything
11. Nine Inch Nails-Everyday is Exactly the Same
12. Helmet & House of Pain-Just Another Victim
13. A Perfect Circle-Passive
14. Ratatat-Shempi
15. Rise Against-Anyway You Want It (Yeah, a Journey cover)
16. Sevendust-Enemy
17. Shinedown-Devour
18. Tool-Stinkfist
19. Avenged Sevenfold-Afterlfe
20. Airborne Toxic Effect-Sometime After Midnight

The cool down 2

21. Sigur Ros- Saeglopur
22. Antony and the Johnsons-Soft Black Stars

The first twenty are aggressive and/or driving. Each with their own mood, they push me harder, make me run further, and give me strength during the workout.

The last two are very relaxed and soft. I find both of them to be a nice calm as I stretch.

There you go!

Sushi

I had finished at the gym today and wanted a healthier meal option than what I knew awaited me in the cabinets at home. I decided sushi was a good option, but had never had "suburban" sushi. As I walked out of the gym, however, Kami caught my eye. It's a japanese steakhouse and sushi place in Apple Valley. I ordered my sushi and took it home (who wants to see a sweaty guy eating sushi in a nice restaurant?). I was pleasantly surprised! The sushi was awesome! If you're looking for sushi, or a really cool Japanese steakhouse experience and don't want the drive into the cities, try Kami.

Another great day.

Had another great day today. Spent the morning with Olivia and the afternoon working. Now it's time to put my feet up and answer a letter.

Stevie from New Mexico wrote:

I love your blog! I've been looking for blogs with relationship issues and have only found forums, which I find completely frustrating. I am writing today to ask a question. When should I finally give up? My ex and I broke things off about two months ago and I told him I'd wait for him to come around. He asked me not to, but I did. We started talking for a bit again, then we stopped. I still have hope...but it's beginning to fade. Is that wrong? Should I have given up awhile ago? He said he loved me, and that I was the one, but when we broke up, he said it "wasn't meant to be".

Help me!


I enlisted Theresa's help on this one.

Theresa: "Meant to be" a load of crap. If things were "meant to be", are people that get cancer "meant to get cancer?" Are mugging victims hurt because it was "meant to be"? Are people that are maimed or killed in car accidents facing that fate because it was "meant to be"? No. Either you want to work on a relationship or your don't. Fate does not interfere in our lives. If you believe in God, your religion will tell you that God had a plan..if you believe otherwise, you may believe that you control your destiny. Nowhere in there is "meant to be".
Give up. If he started talking to you and backed away, he does care, but something is preventing him from exploring that with you. Save yourself the troubles and back away.

Sean: I totally agree with the "meant to be" part. Some may argue that Carrie in Sex and the City was meant to be with Mr. Big, but if you look closely, it took LOTS of effort, as well as personal growth on both of their parts to make that relationship work. It wasn't "meant to be", it just took hard work. As far as giving up, I won't say back away now, I'll instead say back away when you feel you have nothing left to give. You may love someone forever, but holding out for them if they can't reciprocate isn't a good option. Sometimes you just have to let go and let them realize what they've lost. It could take years, and when the time comes, it may be worth it, but you'll never fall again if you don't first let go.

That's it everyone. Value the loves you have in your life.

And now..a break from the norm.

I talked about Coheed and Cambria in one of my blog posts about breakup songs. It's one of my all time favorite bands due to the lyrical and instrumental complexity. If you haven't checked them out, you'll find their stuff at mediafire, or your favorite music downloading store. I've seen them live twice and can't wait for them come head back this way.

Be warned, it's not the typical alternative rock that I am known to listen to. It's emotional, well written harder rock (some may even call them emo, though I think they're closer to metal), with amazing guitar work and vocals.

Here is a Wikipedia article to read if you want some interesting reading:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coheed_and_Cambria

Welcome Home, with it's constant (almost Led Zepplin-esque) beating guitar and drum has become one of my favorite songs to run to. "A Favor in the House Atlantic" (also called "Good Eye Sniper") is also one of my faves.

Where else are you going to get lyrics like this:

"Always and Never":
If beauty sits the child's kiss
Of laughter I amend
Can you catch her if she runs?

"Wake Up"
I've earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.

"The Suffering":
Listen well... will you marry me?
Not now, Boy
Are you well in the Suffering?
You've been the most gracious of hosts
You may be invited, girl, but you're not coming in

If you are a fan of complex musical arrangements and great lyrics, you may like this band. Check them out. Here is a pic:


I am going to go finish rocking out.

Early morning emails

At 3AM, I was awakened by this email from Reed in Vermont:

Sean,
I just read your latest blog and I am now sitting here in tears trying to figure out what exactly to do about what I have done. I met the most wonderful woman about 5 months ago. She was everything I'd been looking for and I knew it, but somehow that scared the sh*t out of me. Everything was okay when I was with her and I wanted her to be "the one", and that also scared me. I'd been through a few bad relationships and when I found her, she was nothing like I'd ever experienced before. In short, she was perfect in my eyes.

Everything was SO right, and it scared me so much, I ran away from how I felt. I told her I had "gotten caught in the moment" and that i was "sewpt away" and that I didn't really feel the way I did deep down. I was just so scared to feel like that and to feel so vulnerable that I felt I couldn't be with her. I broke her heart.

I know now after some time apart that she IS the one. Everything feels wrong without her here and I want to try to ask for her to open her heart to me, but how do I do that? How do I get the love of my life back?

Reed


I didn't bother waking Theresa by email for this, but I am sure she'll understand. Reed, you need to be honest with yourself and make sure, deep down, that you feel the way you do. You pushed feelings away, perhaps because you were scared, but also because they were new to you, and when you're in unfamiliar territory but you're used to a routine or a certain way of feeling, it can be a scary thing.

If you truly want this woman back, go to her, call her, email her, and let her know your feelings. Work things out, but give her time. A broken heart takes time to heal. Explain that you want her in your life and tell her how much you love her. Hopefully she takes you back. Good luck Reed.

Everything is not okay.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

"Everything turns out okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end."

Both quotes seem to be by unknown authors, or at least after an hour of searching, I couldn't find any author. Either way, both are strikingly true.

Things don't always go as planned, and I am not necessarily one that believes in fate (so to speak), but I do believe in happy endings, and I do believe that good people win in the end. If it's not right, if your life is out of control, if your days are filled with longing or sadness, or if you just feel like things aren't right, then they aren't. When you're at peace with yourself and your life, then it's what is supposed to be. Everyone has ups and downs..what I am speaking of are the prolonged feelings that may exist or pop up from day to day.

It's a strange, messed up world we live in, and I am cursed with not being able to forget anything that has happened to me. I also remember almost everything that anyone's ever said to me. Every loving moment plays on like an old movie in my head, as do the painful ones. It's hard to get away from things when your brain brings memories along wherever you go, then spurts them up at a moment's notice.

I am lucky to be alive. I am lucky to have had the love I have had in my life. Things aren't okay and I feel it deep down, with every ounce of my soul. I know they will be though. After everything I have been through in life, I've never lost my hope.

Tomorrow, when you wake up or before you lie down to sleep, ask yourself, "Is everything okay?" If it's not, then it's not the end. Hold on to hope and fight to make your life okay. You all deserve nothing less than love and happiness.

Health (and a letter)

I have been eating healthier lately and working out quite a bit more than I used to and some people have asked me why I am putting such emphasis on my health. I think the answer is my grandfather. He was a lifelong smoker, my dad smoked, and I smoked for a bit. I was also not the healthiest eater growing up, and am working to amend that. I think it's about time I try to undo as much of that damage as possible. I am trying to live as healthy of a life as possible, so I can live to a nice happy old age and still be able to be active. The healthy lifestyle has worked so far...I have more energy, I have dropped three belt sizes, I feel better, and I feel healthy.

Onto the letter:

Crystal in Kansas writes:

Sean,

I really like your blog. I found it one day while cruising around on Blogger and am hooked. I hope things work out for you, whichever way they may go. You seem like a good person.

Anywho, I have a small issue that I'd like to talk about. I am a 23 year old who may be commitment phobic. I have read a bunch of books and they all seem to point that direction, but I feel helpless as to what I can do about it. All the books say is to identify which behaviors point out my phobia, then work to change them. I've tried to do that, and I keep failing myself. I guess my question is this. Do you think a psychologist would help in this situation? Any input you may have would be helpful. Your advice seems to be spot on.

Theresa and I talked it over and here are our responses:

Theresa- I think a psychologist is always helpful. Not only do you get to explore your issue, but you can also explore roots of this issue. It may take three or four sessions, so either have the insurance coverage or money to afford it, but I say go for it!

Sean- Psychologists are wonderful. I totally agree with Theresa on this one. If you don't know which doctors are covered by your insurance, call your insurance provider and ask them for referrals or locations they cover. It can take a few sessions to discover everything (trust me..there will also be things you didn't even know about that come up), but it is a great experience. Good luck.

I am off to work in just a bit. Looks to be a nice day. Enjoy it. Make someone you love smile today.

Riding a bike

I had forgotten how hard it can be to learn how to ride a bike. I remember the falls, the skinned knees, and the important lessons in learning how to brake, but I can't remember every occasion I got injured. I think it's your brain's way of letting you learn how to ride.

It's kind of like a relationship. You have your falls, your pain, and the important lessons learned in a broken heart, but you won't remember every good and bad moment. I think it's your brain's way of letting you love again.

Olivia did okay. She's still unstable on her bike without training wheels. Only a few small falls so far. I am waiting for the first major one. I realize she depends on me alot. Not just to hold the bike, but to just be there with her. I know that will fade with time, but it's nice for now.

Olivia's Birthday

So today was Olivia's 6th birthday. I picked her up after work and we went to the Mall of America and went on rides at the Nickelodeon Universe, then went and ate sushi (her favorite food). We came home and had cake and got calls from her grandparents and uncle and aunt (1 of 2), then opened some presents. As I put her to bed, I told her about how we were going to pick her new bike out tomorrow and she got a sad look on her face. I asked her what was wrong and she replied, "I wanted Tracy to come back from vacation in time for my birthday."

I didn't know what to say when Tracy and I split up, I didn't know how long it would be, so I told Olivia that Tracy was on vacation. I looked at her laying there in her bed, still not knowing what to say. So much has changed.

It's a tough situation having kids and being in relationships. It's even tougher when those relationships don't work.

I hope my daughter enjoys her new bike tomorrow.