I am always the last person to find these cool tech things. This is a test of an awesome new Blogger app for my phone. If you can read this, you can expect to see more "on the go" posts.
Life. Easier.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
20090930
Hillary's letter pt 2
Hillary wrote:
Hmmm, what are traits I look for? I look for physical attraction, similar values, athleticism, and an education. I guess the most important thing is financial status though. I grew up with very little money (we had 9 kids in the family) and I made a decision to no longer live like that, so I usually choose men with a larger than average financial status. I know you'll probably say it's part of the problem...
Hillary
You're damn right I will. Picking someone based upon financial status is a HUGE mistake. If you're picking a potential mate for their abundance of or lack of money and making that your focus, you're more than likely going to overlook some great traits..or in your case, traits that make them an asshole.
Relationships are between two PEOPLE not bank accounts. Most of us require some physical attraction (I'd never date a woman that looked like Bruce Willis...sorry Bruce Willis), similar interests, and that connection we feel, but beyond that, you should be letting nature take its course and forming an actual relationship based upon getting to know someone for who they are, not what they bring to the boardroom.
You've overlooked some poor (not literally poor) guy that may not be making much because you felt your family was not well off? Shame on you. Your family did the best they could (you got into a great school judging from your email address) and you turned out okay, so what are you complaining about? If you don't want to be poor, concentrate on getting a good job for yourself. After that, concentrate on finding a good man, for richer or poorer, that will care for you like no other.
Sean
Hmmm, what are traits I look for? I look for physical attraction, similar values, athleticism, and an education. I guess the most important thing is financial status though. I grew up with very little money (we had 9 kids in the family) and I made a decision to no longer live like that, so I usually choose men with a larger than average financial status. I know you'll probably say it's part of the problem...
Hillary
You're damn right I will. Picking someone based upon financial status is a HUGE mistake. If you're picking a potential mate for their abundance of or lack of money and making that your focus, you're more than likely going to overlook some great traits..or in your case, traits that make them an asshole.
Relationships are between two PEOPLE not bank accounts. Most of us require some physical attraction (I'd never date a woman that looked like Bruce Willis...sorry Bruce Willis), similar interests, and that connection we feel, but beyond that, you should be letting nature take its course and forming an actual relationship based upon getting to know someone for who they are, not what they bring to the boardroom.
You've overlooked some poor (not literally poor) guy that may not be making much because you felt your family was not well off? Shame on you. Your family did the best they could (you got into a great school judging from your email address) and you turned out okay, so what are you complaining about? If you don't want to be poor, concentrate on getting a good job for yourself. After that, concentrate on finding a good man, for richer or poorer, that will care for you like no other.
Sean
Hillary's letter..pt 1
Hillary wrote:
Sean,
I really like your site and I am doing what I can to promote it to all of my friends here at college. We all seem to be at that age where a little advice would go a long way.
Here's my story: I seem to seek out drama in relationships. I don't know why. My parents have always been married, there's been no substance abuse, no sexual issues for me, and I am relatively strong in my faith, and yet, I seem to always find the assholes. I just don't get it. Any insight?
Hill
Well Hillary, this is a relatively loaded question, but it usually stems back to you making bad choices. Are you meeting them at parties or bars? Anyone who goes out to pick up someone under the influence of a substance is not usually someone you will be able to have a healthy relationship with in the first place. If you're meeting them at church, at school, or through friends, you may want to evaluate traits you look for in a potential mate. What are things you look for? Get back to me..
Sean
Sean,
I really like your site and I am doing what I can to promote it to all of my friends here at college. We all seem to be at that age where a little advice would go a long way.
Here's my story: I seem to seek out drama in relationships. I don't know why. My parents have always been married, there's been no substance abuse, no sexual issues for me, and I am relatively strong in my faith, and yet, I seem to always find the assholes. I just don't get it. Any insight?
Hill
Well Hillary, this is a relatively loaded question, but it usually stems back to you making bad choices. Are you meeting them at parties or bars? Anyone who goes out to pick up someone under the influence of a substance is not usually someone you will be able to have a healthy relationship with in the first place. If you're meeting them at church, at school, or through friends, you may want to evaluate traits you look for in a potential mate. What are things you look for? Get back to me..
Sean
Cough cough..
Wow..I don't blog for a few days and come back to a stuffed inbox, cold weather, and everyone getting sick. I love fall.
A few people wrote in asking for cold remedies. I don't have a tried and true remedy, but this time of year always makes me stock up on blackberries, tea, honey, yogurt, and apples. I try to eat all of that at least four times a week and my immune system does just fine during the season change.
More letters to come..
A few people wrote in asking for cold remedies. I don't have a tried and true remedy, but this time of year always makes me stock up on blackberries, tea, honey, yogurt, and apples. I try to eat all of that at least four times a week and my immune system does just fine during the season change.
More letters to come..
20090924
Lights
There are moments that can be experienced in life that you may find yourself wishing you had a soundtrack. Something to make that first kiss earthshaking, to make that breakup seem that much more dramatic, and to make that starry night the stuff that movies are made from. An album came out this week that does just that.
The artist known as Lights exploded onto the music scene in 2008 with her own kind of electro pop. The song February Air was played heavily on radio and television and was a part of her self titled EP released the same year.
In September 2009, however, she released her full length album "The Listening". I just now got to listening to the album and am completely blown away. For those of you unfamiliar with her work, I'd compare her to the female version of "Owl City". Ethereal, romantic, well written lyrics, and melodies that are as catchy as they are memorable.
Listen to this album and re-experience your relationship innocence. It really is a great album.
20090923
Wallpaper
While speaking with someone the other day, I was reminded of an experience I had while growing up.
My mom and dad moved into this house in South Dakota and started doing all sorts of changes. They re-carpeted the living room and some bedrooms, and re-wallpapered a few rooms including the family room.
We all had to help, and it took FOREVER to scrape away the old wallpaper and get the wall ready to put the new stuff up. It was a simple wine red and pine green design, but they put in this ugly duck border.
My mom wasn't too keen on it and after years of me asking why they didn't change it after putting it up, she replied, "I don't know. We just put in so much work. It seemed like too much work to make any more changes."
I think that also applies to relationships. Sometimes we find ourselves unsatisfied with the situations we've put ourselves in, but we feel that we've put in too much effort to end things. Instead of seeking happiness or working out differences, we just "leave the wallpaper alone" and keep things as they are.
Sometimes, a change of wallpaper gives a whole new life to the room.
My mom and dad moved into this house in South Dakota and started doing all sorts of changes. They re-carpeted the living room and some bedrooms, and re-wallpapered a few rooms including the family room.
We all had to help, and it took FOREVER to scrape away the old wallpaper and get the wall ready to put the new stuff up. It was a simple wine red and pine green design, but they put in this ugly duck border.
My mom wasn't too keen on it and after years of me asking why they didn't change it after putting it up, she replied, "I don't know. We just put in so much work. It seemed like too much work to make any more changes."
I think that also applies to relationships. Sometimes we find ourselves unsatisfied with the situations we've put ourselves in, but we feel that we've put in too much effort to end things. Instead of seeking happiness or working out differences, we just "leave the wallpaper alone" and keep things as they are.
Sometimes, a change of wallpaper gives a whole new life to the room.
20090922
Why do you come by if you're leaving?
It's a song lyric, but that lyric is a poignant one. As I sat here today, just home from the gym and drinking a protein shake, someone called me to ask for advice. It was a voice I hadn't heard before, yet one that I was happy to hear from. The advice I gave was about an unhappy situation.
When do we know it is over? How do we know when to quit? Should we quit? Should we fight for it?
These are all questions that race through our heads when dealing with a relationship that is collapsing before our very eyes, and they are all valid questions, but they don't have a standard answer. The thing we must realize is that that there are no fairytale endings, and it's for the best. We live in real life, with real struggles and real tears, and it's THOSE moments..not the fairytale..worth the ending we are looking for.
We may or may not get back together with the one we think we're supposed to be with. In the end, that isn't the point though, the point is, how much did we grow along the experience? Did we realize and work on things within ourselves? Did we grow as human beings? Are we now capable of being in a loving and committed relationship?
The choice is yours. Remember, there is no fairytale ending. The ending is yours to make.
When do we know it is over? How do we know when to quit? Should we quit? Should we fight for it?
These are all questions that race through our heads when dealing with a relationship that is collapsing before our very eyes, and they are all valid questions, but they don't have a standard answer. The thing we must realize is that that there are no fairytale endings, and it's for the best. We live in real life, with real struggles and real tears, and it's THOSE moments..not the fairytale..worth the ending we are looking for.
We may or may not get back together with the one we think we're supposed to be with. In the end, that isn't the point though, the point is, how much did we grow along the experience? Did we realize and work on things within ourselves? Did we grow as human beings? Are we now capable of being in a loving and committed relationship?
The choice is yours. Remember, there is no fairytale ending. The ending is yours to make.
20090921
Floating in the friend zone..
Tanya wrote
Sean,
I liked your article in which you talked about the friend zone. I have a situation dealing with the friend zone that I hope you can help me with.
I had just gotten out of a relationship when I met Josh. He asked me out at a coffee shop (kind of like your thing!). He is a really cool guy, much more well adjusted than my ex, good at conversation, and all around, a cute guy. We hung out a few times and I felt I wasn't ready to start anything new, so I told him that all I could offer was friendship.
Unlike most guys, Josh was able to do that. He would text me or call me to see how my day was, but at the same time could go for days without calling or texting. He has given me good advice in time of need, and never asked for anything in return. He was a wonderful friend.
Here's the catch..I like him. I like him ALOT. I don't know how to tell him that, thanks to him, I am over my ex and ready to pursue something with him. It took some strength to put him into the "friend zone", and I am worried about what will happen if I tell him I want more.
Tanya
Tanya,
I think you SHOULD tell him how you feel. This guy does seem like a good friend, and good friends usually make wonderful partners. It can be a stressful decision to tell someone how you feel, and it can have mixed results, so don't be dismayed if he tells you that he is no longer looking for anything more. It sometimes takes some serious effort to stay in the friend zone if you like someone, and as a result, that person can sometimes put aside all feelings of anything more than friendship.
If Josh does like you though, he'll jump at the chance. If he was willing to stay friends with you for this long and have the discipline to remain just friends, he'll also be a very faithful partner.
Good luck.
Sean
Sean,
I liked your article in which you talked about the friend zone. I have a situation dealing with the friend zone that I hope you can help me with.
I had just gotten out of a relationship when I met Josh. He asked me out at a coffee shop (kind of like your thing!). He is a really cool guy, much more well adjusted than my ex, good at conversation, and all around, a cute guy. We hung out a few times and I felt I wasn't ready to start anything new, so I told him that all I could offer was friendship.
Unlike most guys, Josh was able to do that. He would text me or call me to see how my day was, but at the same time could go for days without calling or texting. He has given me good advice in time of need, and never asked for anything in return. He was a wonderful friend.
Here's the catch..I like him. I like him ALOT. I don't know how to tell him that, thanks to him, I am over my ex and ready to pursue something with him. It took some strength to put him into the "friend zone", and I am worried about what will happen if I tell him I want more.
Tanya
Tanya,
I think you SHOULD tell him how you feel. This guy does seem like a good friend, and good friends usually make wonderful partners. It can be a stressful decision to tell someone how you feel, and it can have mixed results, so don't be dismayed if he tells you that he is no longer looking for anything more. It sometimes takes some serious effort to stay in the friend zone if you like someone, and as a result, that person can sometimes put aside all feelings of anything more than friendship.
If Josh does like you though, he'll jump at the chance. If he was willing to stay friends with you for this long and have the discipline to remain just friends, he'll also be a very faithful partner.
Good luck.
Sean
20090919
Like to hear it? Here it goes..
Here are three bands that you may have never heard, but I think you should definitely give them a shot.
1. MAE- This band formed in 2001 and has been the foundation of my music collection ever since I listened to their song "Embers and Envelopes" in 2003. 2005 brought "The Everglow", an amazing storybook-like listening experience that frontman Dave Elkins once described as "a hypothetical story of a couple who falls in love; they’ve decided what they’re looking for and they find it in each other…and it’s very good, it’s very rewarding; but…well, not “but” but alongside of this, or as a result of this, an unborn baby comes into the picture before too long. And a lot of people have wondered and talked to us at shows, and I’ve seen it discussed on message boards and whatnot, and a lot of people thought this song is a story about an abortion or this song is a story stating us as pro-choice or pro-life, and that’s not necessarily the case here. What we’re looking at is the fact that as a result of this baby entering into the world, they find a love, these individuals, that’s more fulfilling and more rewarding, and more satisfying, than anything they had known up until that point. [Cheering] I think that it’s important that we understand that love is not always black and white like we’d like for it to be, and sometimes it’s very grey. Sometimes you have to make the difficult decisions. And sometimes you do have to try and fail, and fail and fail a few times before you can actually succeed and get the big picture." Yeah, deep. Personally, I loved this album. Mae has had some releases since then, but in my mind, this was the most moving.
2. Charlotte Sometimes- This American singer-songwriter released her album "Waves and the Both of Us" in 2008. It is reminiscent of artists like Lilly Allen, Little Boots, and Natasha Bedingfield, but in my opinion, it's less sugary and more adult. The album's song emotions range from getting over heartbreak, to realizing that someone she is in love with is bad for her, to losing a love, and everything in between. It truly is an overlooked work of art. Her stage name comes from a children's book. Awesome.
3. Making April- I like a good old piano based rock act, and have everything from Something Corporate to Danyew, and Vanessa Carlton to Augustana in my collection. There's just something about the mix of guitar and piano that I really think pulls the emotion out in a song. This band formed in 2005, so in the grand scheme of things, is relatively new, but have managed to start making a name for themselves from the start. Their album "The Egg Hunt" was realeased in early spring of this year and is moving and full of emotion. It's an incredible album from start to finish and definitely worth a listen.
Music isn't about what sells. It's about what moments are created in the minds and hearts of those that listen. Enjoy.
1. MAE- This band formed in 2001 and has been the foundation of my music collection ever since I listened to their song "Embers and Envelopes" in 2003. 2005 brought "The Everglow", an amazing storybook-like listening experience that frontman Dave Elkins once described as "a hypothetical story of a couple who falls in love; they’ve decided what they’re looking for and they find it in each other…and it’s very good, it’s very rewarding; but…well, not “but” but alongside of this, or as a result of this, an unborn baby comes into the picture before too long. And a lot of people have wondered and talked to us at shows, and I’ve seen it discussed on message boards and whatnot, and a lot of people thought this song is a story about an abortion or this song is a story stating us as pro-choice or pro-life, and that’s not necessarily the case here. What we’re looking at is the fact that as a result of this baby entering into the world, they find a love, these individuals, that’s more fulfilling and more rewarding, and more satisfying, than anything they had known up until that point. [Cheering] I think that it’s important that we understand that love is not always black and white like we’d like for it to be, and sometimes it’s very grey. Sometimes you have to make the difficult decisions. And sometimes you do have to try and fail, and fail and fail a few times before you can actually succeed and get the big picture." Yeah, deep. Personally, I loved this album. Mae has had some releases since then, but in my mind, this was the most moving.
2. Charlotte Sometimes- This American singer-songwriter released her album "Waves and the Both of Us" in 2008. It is reminiscent of artists like Lilly Allen, Little Boots, and Natasha Bedingfield, but in my opinion, it's less sugary and more adult. The album's song emotions range from getting over heartbreak, to realizing that someone she is in love with is bad for her, to losing a love, and everything in between. It truly is an overlooked work of art. Her stage name comes from a children's book. Awesome.
3. Making April- I like a good old piano based rock act, and have everything from Something Corporate to Danyew, and Vanessa Carlton to Augustana in my collection. There's just something about the mix of guitar and piano that I really think pulls the emotion out in a song. This band formed in 2005, so in the grand scheme of things, is relatively new, but have managed to start making a name for themselves from the start. Their album "The Egg Hunt" was realeased in early spring of this year and is moving and full of emotion. It's an incredible album from start to finish and definitely worth a listen.
Music isn't about what sells. It's about what moments are created in the minds and hearts of those that listen. Enjoy.
I'm taking them back. I'm taking them all back.
Rei wrote:
Sean
I have a dilemma. I think I believe too much in fate. My friends have been saying this for years and I've ignored them, but after losing the love of my life, I am beginning to think they were right.
He and I had an on and off again relationship in which neither one of us was faithful or willing to work on our issues. We'd get in awful and petty fights, we'd spy on each other, and we were just not good people when we were in relationships with each other.
When we were apart, I missed him and he said he missed me, but each time we got back with each other, it wasn't the same. I always said it was fate drawing us back together, but now I realize that it was insecurity, self-doubt, and fear.
I read your post about being adopted and it struck a nerve. It was right on. I am adopted too and after reading it, I began to think about what I wanted in my life and the bad decisions I'd made up to that point and I took steps to change my future. I realize now that there is no such thing as fate. Happiness takes more than that. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing. If you never get a thank you from one of these people you've helped, I wanted to thank you myself.
Rei
Rei,
Thank you for writing. I've been stressed about life in general lately and have been doing my best to keep up with the changes. It's nice to know that I can make a difference. As far as the "there's no such thing as fate" line, I totally agree. If fate existed, would it be people's fate to get sick or pass away before growing old? Would good people leave this world and bad ones stay? I think not. I agree that happiness in life takes love, patience, communication, and value of the "little things". If we leave life to fate, we'll spend our lives waiting on trains that never arrive rather than enjoying the world around us.
I am glad you liked the piece on adoption. I've gotten some good feedback on that piece, and I am glad I wrote it. I am even more glad it could help you realize that you weren't heading down a good path. By exiting a relationship based on self-doubt and insecurity, you've already made some major changes in your life and I wish you luck in seeing the changes through.
Sean
Sean
I have a dilemma. I think I believe too much in fate. My friends have been saying this for years and I've ignored them, but after losing the love of my life, I am beginning to think they were right.
He and I had an on and off again relationship in which neither one of us was faithful or willing to work on our issues. We'd get in awful and petty fights, we'd spy on each other, and we were just not good people when we were in relationships with each other.
When we were apart, I missed him and he said he missed me, but each time we got back with each other, it wasn't the same. I always said it was fate drawing us back together, but now I realize that it was insecurity, self-doubt, and fear.
I read your post about being adopted and it struck a nerve. It was right on. I am adopted too and after reading it, I began to think about what I wanted in my life and the bad decisions I'd made up to that point and I took steps to change my future. I realize now that there is no such thing as fate. Happiness takes more than that. I just wanted you to know that you are amazing. If you never get a thank you from one of these people you've helped, I wanted to thank you myself.
Rei
Rei,
Thank you for writing. I've been stressed about life in general lately and have been doing my best to keep up with the changes. It's nice to know that I can make a difference. As far as the "there's no such thing as fate" line, I totally agree. If fate existed, would it be people's fate to get sick or pass away before growing old? Would good people leave this world and bad ones stay? I think not. I agree that happiness in life takes love, patience, communication, and value of the "little things". If we leave life to fate, we'll spend our lives waiting on trains that never arrive rather than enjoying the world around us.
I am glad you liked the piece on adoption. I've gotten some good feedback on that piece, and I am glad I wrote it. I am even more glad it could help you realize that you weren't heading down a good path. By exiting a relationship based on self-doubt and insecurity, you've already made some major changes in your life and I wish you luck in seeing the changes through.
Sean
Two bits of wisdom from Olivia
1. Frostys from Wendy's are better than shakes because they slide up the straw slower and you don't get headaches.
2. Everything in the world should cost $5. Except rings and Polly Pockets. Those should be $10.
2. Everything in the world should cost $5. Except rings and Polly Pockets. Those should be $10.
20090916
Building a mystery
Jeanine wrote:
Hi Sean
You seem to know a lot about the ins and outs of online dating, so I hope you can help me comprehend some of my online dating scenarios. I tried match.com this summer and enjoyed getting to know different people. I talked with so me on the phone, facebook messaged others, and eventually met face-to-face many all of them. All of my meetings/first encounters went great. However two of the “dates” that I thought went really well seemed to confuse me the most. Here are my stories:
Scenerio numero uno:
I talked on the phone with Luke (we’ll call him) and the conversation flew very swiftly. We agreed to meet each other in person. So the next day we ate out at a T.G.I. Friday’s. We had a really great time—a lot of things in common, the same goal of friendship/meeting new people around where we live, same sense of humor, etc. At the end of the night, he asked me if I wanted to hang out some more, and I agreed. Before we were going to leave the restaurant, Luke was the one who first mentioned hanging out after dinner. Then, maybe 2 minutes later, he was also the one who mentioned that he had to work early, so we decided to reschedule something for Saturday (the next day). Before we parted ways and each headed back home, he suggested that we hang out at a beach sometime. Don’t get me wrong, I love the beach, but I am self-conscious about how I look in a bathing suit. So I, being honest, said something along the lines of, “Sure, but I don’t really like how I look in a swimsuit.” He responded by saying, “Oh, well, I practically live at the beach.” And that was how the night/conversation ended. Kind of awkward. That was one of the only things I felt we didn’t have in common, though—“living” at the beach. He was very attractive, so I guess I was just protecting my confidence. The next day (Saturday) he called me after work like he said he would and I asked if he still wanted to hang out (assuming he would say yes) like he had suggested the previous night. He said that his friend who is a cop rarely gets the weekends off, and that this weekend he had it off. So he was going to hang out with his cop friend (was this a lame excuse to brush me off?). Luke was going on vacation (he had told me this a week prior to our dinner date—so I know this was truth) the next week, so he told me that he would call me when he got back and that we could hang out then. So I agreed and wished him a fun trip. I did not contact him during his trip, but finally decided to text him after he had been back home for about 5 days. He had never contacted me. I texted something along the lines of, “Hey Luke, hope your trip was fun. Do you want to get together sometime this week? I’m going out of town soon and would love to hang out again. Either way, let me know.” Low and behold, he didn’t respond. Three days later I texted him again: “Luke, I think you’re a cool guy, but if you aren’t interested, please just let me know. I don’t like being ignored and left confused.” And he still never responded. I was really looking forward to getting to know him better, and from our first dinner date, I’m pretty sure he was interested in a friendship as well. I feel like what I said in the parking lot that night about the beach scared him away, though. But if he was an understanding/good person, don’t you think he would have understood and moved on? It makes me sad to think that something small like that ruined a potential friendship. I want to text him again saying “f-you”, but I know that is juvenile I am better than that. What are your thoughts on why I lost communication with him?
Scenario numero dos:
“Nick” and I messaged each other back and forth on facebook and decided to get together because we had many similar interests and ideals. So we met at a Perkins one night. And we hit it off! We talked and laughed for two hours straight, and decided to see each other again two days later. That night we texted each other and said that we both had a wonderful time and couldn’t wait until the next. The next time we hung out we went to an improv show and drove around town afterwards, talking. When he dropped me off, he gave me a huge hug (and told me he had a great time) before I had even taken off my seatbelt. We agreed to get together again, even though both of us had busy schedule s in the upcoming weeks. A week or two passed and we didn’t see each other. So I messaged him saying (yet again) that I had a wonderful time with him, and asked how he was doing and if he would like to get together again soon. Well…he never messaged back. Or contacted me in any way, shape, or form.
Why does this always happen to me? I have other similar stories, but these two hurt me the most. Why is it that the guys I enjoy getting to know/the ones that seem really interested in me in return always stop talking to me and leave me hanging. It is really confusing and sad for me. I have asked my best girlfriends and other guys why this happened, and they are befuddled as well. I was not pushy in trying to pursue any friendship. Do I keep trying to contact these people, or just say “don’t cry because it’s over—smile because it happened” and blow it all off?...
I'd let you see my profile on Match, but after these issues, I deleted my match profile. My free trial has expired. I remember saying that I am looking for friendship, am an open-minded person, love life, etc. I was careful how I worded things and asked my best friend how the profile looked and sounded. She approved. She is also a very sensible person. To tell you the truth, I’ve never actually been in a relationship before. So I am not able to tell you how I act in one or how I act in one vs. a normal friendship. But I can tell you that I am not a very flirty person. I love to laugh. I am very kind/considerate. I hope that helps…
Thanks, Sean
Jeanine
Jeanine
It sounds as if you're picking the wrong type of people? I don't know if you're either picking people much older/younger than you, or if you are picking people that are looking for some permanence, but these two people seem to have been put off by something that occurred on the date. The dates themselves sound like they went fine, so I am guessing that it was something in the conversation that made them think either:
a) This person will not stick around. (Either due to school, work, family, or wanting to leave the area)
b) This person seems like someone that doesn't want a serious relationship and that is what I am looking for.
c) I am looking to just be playful and not be serious right now.
Conversation can be great on a date, but one single phrase or sentence can be a "deal breaker". For example, if someone says they let their pet sleep in bed (see the earlier blog about Match) that is an instant deal breaker for me because I believe pets are pets, not people. I won't just stand up and storm out if I hear that on a date though. I've got more tact than that. I'll wait until the next conversation, clarify, and if it is my dealbreaker, I will explain that I don't think we're a good match. I will also explain at the end of a date if I don't think I'd like to see them again. It may seem asshole-like of me, but they deserve honesty.
If the men hearing something on the date that is putting them off, chances are that these guys just don't know how to be mature and explain what they are feeling. This scenario is usually common if you're perhaps considerably younger/older than them and they can't remember how to, or don't have experience dealing with communicating over the age gap (which is why I mentioned the age thing).
Of course, the possibility could be that you're so caught up in the meeting with this person that you're reading the person wrong and actually going on a date with an douchebag just looking to get laid. It happens, but in those circumstances, I think both guys would have at least tried to kiss you at some point.
If it is an age thing, lower/raise the gap to within three years. If it's not an age thing, I'd recommend screening your possible dates further. Talk with them longer through phone or email and get to know what type of person they are and establish if there are or aren't any dealbreakers between you two.
Without seeing your profile and seeing what words you use, I can't honestly say it's anything you're doing specifically. I think you're just choosing the wrong people.
Sean
Hi Sean
You seem to know a lot about the ins and outs of online dating, so I hope you can help me comprehend some of my online dating scenarios. I tried match.com this summer and enjoyed getting to know different people. I talked with so me on the phone, facebook messaged others, and eventually met face-to-face many all of them. All of my meetings/first encounters went great. However two of the “dates” that I thought went really well seemed to confuse me the most. Here are my stories:
Scenerio numero uno:
I talked on the phone with Luke (we’ll call him) and the conversation flew very swiftly. We agreed to meet each other in person. So the next day we ate out at a T.G.I. Friday’s. We had a really great time—a lot of things in common, the same goal of friendship/meeting new people around where we live, same sense of humor, etc. At the end of the night, he asked me if I wanted to hang out some more, and I agreed. Before we were going to leave the restaurant, Luke was the one who first mentioned hanging out after dinner. Then, maybe 2 minutes later, he was also the one who mentioned that he had to work early, so we decided to reschedule something for Saturday (the next day). Before we parted ways and each headed back home, he suggested that we hang out at a beach sometime. Don’t get me wrong, I love the beach, but I am self-conscious about how I look in a bathing suit. So I, being honest, said something along the lines of, “Sure, but I don’t really like how I look in a swimsuit.” He responded by saying, “Oh, well, I practically live at the beach.” And that was how the night/conversation ended. Kind of awkward. That was one of the only things I felt we didn’t have in common, though—“living” at the beach. He was very attractive, so I guess I was just protecting my confidence. The next day (Saturday) he called me after work like he said he would and I asked if he still wanted to hang out (assuming he would say yes) like he had suggested the previous night. He said that his friend who is a cop rarely gets the weekends off, and that this weekend he had it off. So he was going to hang out with his cop friend (was this a lame excuse to brush me off?). Luke was going on vacation (he had told me this a week prior to our dinner date—so I know this was truth) the next week, so he told me that he would call me when he got back and that we could hang out then. So I agreed and wished him a fun trip. I did not contact him during his trip, but finally decided to text him after he had been back home for about 5 days. He had never contacted me. I texted something along the lines of, “Hey Luke, hope your trip was fun. Do you want to get together sometime this week? I’m going out of town soon and would love to hang out again. Either way, let me know.” Low and behold, he didn’t respond. Three days later I texted him again: “Luke, I think you’re a cool guy, but if you aren’t interested, please just let me know. I don’t like being ignored and left confused.” And he still never responded. I was really looking forward to getting to know him better, and from our first dinner date, I’m pretty sure he was interested in a friendship as well. I feel like what I said in the parking lot that night about the beach scared him away, though. But if he was an understanding/good person, don’t you think he would have understood and moved on? It makes me sad to think that something small like that ruined a potential friendship. I want to text him again saying “f-you”, but I know that is juvenile I am better than that. What are your thoughts on why I lost communication with him?
Scenario numero dos:
“Nick” and I messaged each other back and forth on facebook and decided to get together because we had many similar interests and ideals. So we met at a Perkins one night. And we hit it off! We talked and laughed for two hours straight, and decided to see each other again two days later. That night we texted each other and said that we both had a wonderful time and couldn’t wait until the next. The next time we hung out we went to an improv show and drove around town afterwards, talking. When he dropped me off, he gave me a huge hug (and told me he had a great time) before I had even taken off my seatbelt. We agreed to get together again, even though both of us had busy schedule s in the upcoming weeks. A week or two passed and we didn’t see each other. So I messaged him saying (yet again) that I had a wonderful time with him, and asked how he was doing and if he would like to get together again soon. Well…he never messaged back. Or contacted me in any way, shape, or form.
Why does this always happen to me? I have other similar stories, but these two hurt me the most. Why is it that the guys I enjoy getting to know/the ones that seem really interested in me in return always stop talking to me and leave me hanging. It is really confusing and sad for me. I have asked my best girlfriends and other guys why this happened, and they are befuddled as well. I was not pushy in trying to pursue any friendship. Do I keep trying to contact these people, or just say “don’t cry because it’s over—smile because it happened” and blow it all off?...
I'd let you see my profile on Match, but after these issues, I deleted my match profile. My free trial has expired. I remember saying that I am looking for friendship, am an open-minded person, love life, etc. I was careful how I worded things and asked my best friend how the profile looked and sounded. She approved. She is also a very sensible person. To tell you the truth, I’ve never actually been in a relationship before. So I am not able to tell you how I act in one or how I act in one vs. a normal friendship. But I can tell you that I am not a very flirty person. I love to laugh. I am very kind/considerate. I hope that helps…
Thanks, Sean
Jeanine
Jeanine
It sounds as if you're picking the wrong type of people? I don't know if you're either picking people much older/younger than you, or if you are picking people that are looking for some permanence, but these two people seem to have been put off by something that occurred on the date. The dates themselves sound like they went fine, so I am guessing that it was something in the conversation that made them think either:
a) This person will not stick around. (Either due to school, work, family, or wanting to leave the area)
b) This person seems like someone that doesn't want a serious relationship and that is what I am looking for.
c) I am looking to just be playful and not be serious right now.
Conversation can be great on a date, but one single phrase or sentence can be a "deal breaker". For example, if someone says they let their pet sleep in bed (see the earlier blog about Match) that is an instant deal breaker for me because I believe pets are pets, not people. I won't just stand up and storm out if I hear that on a date though. I've got more tact than that. I'll wait until the next conversation, clarify, and if it is my dealbreaker, I will explain that I don't think we're a good match. I will also explain at the end of a date if I don't think I'd like to see them again. It may seem asshole-like of me, but they deserve honesty.
If the men hearing something on the date that is putting them off, chances are that these guys just don't know how to be mature and explain what they are feeling. This scenario is usually common if you're perhaps considerably younger/older than them and they can't remember how to, or don't have experience dealing with communicating over the age gap (which is why I mentioned the age thing).
Of course, the possibility could be that you're so caught up in the meeting with this person that you're reading the person wrong and actually going on a date with an douchebag just looking to get laid. It happens, but in those circumstances, I think both guys would have at least tried to kiss you at some point.
If it is an age thing, lower/raise the gap to within three years. If it's not an age thing, I'd recommend screening your possible dates further. Talk with them longer through phone or email and get to know what type of person they are and establish if there are or aren't any dealbreakers between you two.
Without seeing your profile and seeing what words you use, I can't honestly say it's anything you're doing specifically. I think you're just choosing the wrong people.
Sean
20090915
Bryant wrote:
sean,
you had mentioned online dating. i like the idea myself, but am worried. what can i expect? will i like it? is it as scary as it seems?
bryant
bryant (thanks for not using capitals. i am going to write this response in all lower case to also help you protest the overuse of proper english)
i love the world of online dating. i think it can be a very safe, secure, and interesting way to meet people outside of the normal settings like bars and friends (that have no idea what type of person we actually look for).
what makes you worried? if it's a fear of safety, you just need to use caution when contacting someone for the first time, or first few times. TIP #1: If she looks like a pornstar, she isn't..."she" is probably a "he" using a pornstar's pic in a lame attempt to get you to give up info. don't fall for that trap.
is it a fear of security? if that's the case, just set up the first meeting or two in a public place where you will be able to talk and get to know each other. TIP #2: do not invite friends on the first date. let her get to know you, not your friend who will more than likely c*ckblock you the entire night before puking on your shoes.
is it a fear of the "new" dating scene? a simple way to adjust is to browse pictures before joining any site. if they don't have that option, it's not worth joining. yeah, i am looking at you e-harmony. TIP #3: Would you go on a date with a blindfold on? Look before you leap.
..Okay, damn. I can't do no capitals anymore. It's driving me crazy.
As far as what you can expect, I've made a short (comical) list of what to expect. As strange as some of these may seem, it's actually a positive environment.
1. Women will quote movie lines that they think men love, but they'll never quote the best lines in the movie. They'll quote the dumb ones. This is okay, they'll learn, eventually.
2. Women will often say things like "must love dogs" or "must love cats". Beware of these women. If your idea of loving a pet is feeding them, petting them, and walking/playing with them, these people are about to take you on the creepy train to Petsville. Many of the people that write this will baby talk their pets for hours, let them sleep in bed with them (and I am not talking at the foot of the bed, I mean IN bed & on your pillow when you're not there..), and will push you into the path of a speeding car if it meant saving their pet. True, there are some normal people that will write this and mean it from a normal perspective, but not many. If they have more than two pictures of their pet, run. Run! Now, before their pet eats your soul!
3. Men that are "not looking for anything serious" have an STD breeding ground between their legs and will often resort to whatever means necessary to sleep with you.
4. Women that describe themselves as independent often times mean, "I am career focused and will do whatever the hell I please. I will call you when I'd like, and you better answer, but don't expect me to do the same when you call."
Women that write this SOMETIMES mean, "I was hurt before for loving someone too much and it will take me a little time to open up and want to spend a large block of time with you."
Finally, women that write this RARELY mean, "I just don't want to come off as needy, so I'll say I am independent when in reality I'll be watching you in your sleep. From outside your window..or your closet if it's raining outside."
5. Men that post pictures of themselves posing in bathroom mirrors, flexing pecs or abs, or that offer to send you "some nice pics" are often times just as big of douchebags as they seemed while you read that line. That squinting face you're making while reading that first sentence? That'll be the same face you make when looking at them naked, gyrating for you in a phone-shot video. Douche.
6. If a guy talks about his car, bike, boat, or has pictures thereof in his profile just WALK AWAY. This guy will eventually end up cheating on you and lying about the details, even though you were watching because he came home while you were hiding in his closet. I can't blame you, it was raining outside, right?
There you go Bryant. A comical look at online dating. In all honesty, it's a completely normal and fun way to get to know people. Just be yourself, be safe when emailing (just as you would on Facebook or Myspace), and make sure you're getting to know a real person. After all, that's what we're all really looking for.
Sean
sean,
you had mentioned online dating. i like the idea myself, but am worried. what can i expect? will i like it? is it as scary as it seems?
bryant
bryant (thanks for not using capitals. i am going to write this response in all lower case to also help you protest the overuse of proper english)
i love the world of online dating. i think it can be a very safe, secure, and interesting way to meet people outside of the normal settings like bars and friends (that have no idea what type of person we actually look for).
what makes you worried? if it's a fear of safety, you just need to use caution when contacting someone for the first time, or first few times. TIP #1: If she looks like a pornstar, she isn't..."she" is probably a "he" using a pornstar's pic in a lame attempt to get you to give up info. don't fall for that trap.
is it a fear of security? if that's the case, just set up the first meeting or two in a public place where you will be able to talk and get to know each other. TIP #2: do not invite friends on the first date. let her get to know you, not your friend who will more than likely c*ckblock you the entire night before puking on your shoes.
is it a fear of the "new" dating scene? a simple way to adjust is to browse pictures before joining any site. if they don't have that option, it's not worth joining. yeah, i am looking at you e-harmony. TIP #3: Would you go on a date with a blindfold on? Look before you leap.
..Okay, damn. I can't do no capitals anymore. It's driving me crazy.
As far as what you can expect, I've made a short (comical) list of what to expect. As strange as some of these may seem, it's actually a positive environment.
1. Women will quote movie lines that they think men love, but they'll never quote the best lines in the movie. They'll quote the dumb ones. This is okay, they'll learn, eventually.
2. Women will often say things like "must love dogs" or "must love cats". Beware of these women. If your idea of loving a pet is feeding them, petting them, and walking/playing with them, these people are about to take you on the creepy train to Petsville. Many of the people that write this will baby talk their pets for hours, let them sleep in bed with them (and I am not talking at the foot of the bed, I mean IN bed & on your pillow when you're not there..), and will push you into the path of a speeding car if it meant saving their pet. True, there are some normal people that will write this and mean it from a normal perspective, but not many. If they have more than two pictures of their pet, run. Run! Now, before their pet eats your soul!
3. Men that are "not looking for anything serious" have an STD breeding ground between their legs and will often resort to whatever means necessary to sleep with you.
4. Women that describe themselves as independent often times mean, "I am career focused and will do whatever the hell I please. I will call you when I'd like, and you better answer, but don't expect me to do the same when you call."
Women that write this SOMETIMES mean, "I was hurt before for loving someone too much and it will take me a little time to open up and want to spend a large block of time with you."
Finally, women that write this RARELY mean, "I just don't want to come off as needy, so I'll say I am independent when in reality I'll be watching you in your sleep. From outside your window..or your closet if it's raining outside."
5. Men that post pictures of themselves posing in bathroom mirrors, flexing pecs or abs, or that offer to send you "some nice pics" are often times just as big of douchebags as they seemed while you read that line. That squinting face you're making while reading that first sentence? That'll be the same face you make when looking at them naked, gyrating for you in a phone-shot video. Douche.
6. If a guy talks about his car, bike, boat, or has pictures thereof in his profile just WALK AWAY. This guy will eventually end up cheating on you and lying about the details, even though you were watching because he came home while you were hiding in his closet. I can't blame you, it was raining outside, right?
There you go Bryant. A comical look at online dating. In all honesty, it's a completely normal and fun way to get to know people. Just be yourself, be safe when emailing (just as you would on Facebook or Myspace), and make sure you're getting to know a real person. After all, that's what we're all really looking for.
Sean
Sometimes people write and don't want to use their name. They give me a fake name to call them. Other times people write and don't want their name used and DON'T give me a name to use. I am now going to give them one.
O.B.N.O.H (see below..I thought I made up a nice name here)wrote:
I've been interested in this guy, Demar. We had some history, but it's, well, history. He has since moved overseas and I still find myself thinking of him.
I wrote Demar an email about three weeks ago. Last Monday I had lunch with a girlfriend who knows him and she had some news for me...
I have this guy friend "Buddha" and we hang out, flirt, have sleep overs but never cross the friendship line, he's just my go to guy. Well we hung out all summer until about August at which time he stopped calling, hanging out, answering texts, I just figured he was busy. Well, at lunch with my girlfriend she tells me Buddha got back together with his ex. I know of this ex and we're cool, not best friends but she's mutual friends with Demar and loves Buddha. Anyways, my girlfriend knows this and while at a party with Buddha and his girlfriend, asked her (the girlfriend) if she knew Buddha and I "had a thing". Grilfriend responds, "Yeah...But Buddha would never romantically get involved with O.B.N.O.H. Demar still has feelings for her."
So my friend tells me this conversation and I get a bit excited inside but at this point it's gossip. I don't want to get excited over gossip. Like I said, that was last Monday and I still hadn't heard from Demar. Well, I woke up this morning and in my inbox was a very casual, immensely lackluster email from Demar.
My question is: Should I casually mention the gossip I heard or leave it alone. If it is true I'm afraid bringing something like this up (especially with him overseas) could be bad. But at the same time, I just want to know if it's true. Something tells me though that if he felt that way he'd tell me. Because guys tell girls when they want to be with them...
Signed,
Overseas But Not Over Him (O.B.N.O.H)
O.B.N.O.H,
You should NOT mention the gossip you heard. First off, what did his immensely lackluster email say? Secondly, you should realize (better sooner than later) that women will often protect their own, meaning she is trying to make you feel better for missing him and sending him the email. I am not saying the party talk didn't happen, but it didn't happen the way your friend thinks it did.
Here's what probably transpired:
Your Friend: "So did you know Buddha and O.B.N.O.H had a thing?"
Girlfriend: "Yeah, so? What does that have to do with anything?"
Your Friend: (Feeling awkward) "Well not a THING thing, just a friend thing. You know, because Demar still has feelings for her."
Girlfriend: "Oh, that's what I thought."
(End Scene. Applause. Oscar, in 3, 2, 1...)
My guess is that your friend didn't want some drama starting or word getting back to you so little truths were changed to protect the innocent. If drinking was involved, then those altered truths became reality.
Regardless of the chemistry that you and Demar did or did not have, Demar left, and left without anything happening between you two. The fact that he sent an email means he cares, but the fact that it was lackluster and casual means he cares in a way you aren't prepared to handle. Face it O.B.N.O.H, you are in the Friend Zone.
This is a good thing though. It means that though he doesn't see anything happening between you two as a relationship is concerned, he does want to be a friend. That is a wonderful thing. Now get over him and allow him to be in your friend zone...and keep him there, before things get really messy.
Sean
O.B.N.O.H (see below..I thought I made up a nice name here)wrote:
I've been interested in this guy, Demar. We had some history, but it's, well, history. He has since moved overseas and I still find myself thinking of him.
I wrote Demar an email about three weeks ago. Last Monday I had lunch with a girlfriend who knows him and she had some news for me...
I have this guy friend "Buddha" and we hang out, flirt, have sleep overs but never cross the friendship line, he's just my go to guy. Well we hung out all summer until about August at which time he stopped calling, hanging out, answering texts, I just figured he was busy. Well, at lunch with my girlfriend she tells me Buddha got back together with his ex. I know of this ex and we're cool, not best friends but she's mutual friends with Demar and loves Buddha. Anyways, my girlfriend knows this and while at a party with Buddha and his girlfriend, asked her (the girlfriend) if she knew Buddha and I "had a thing". Grilfriend responds, "Yeah...But Buddha would never romantically get involved with O.B.N.O.H. Demar still has feelings for her."
So my friend tells me this conversation and I get a bit excited inside but at this point it's gossip. I don't want to get excited over gossip. Like I said, that was last Monday and I still hadn't heard from Demar. Well, I woke up this morning and in my inbox was a very casual, immensely lackluster email from Demar.
My question is: Should I casually mention the gossip I heard or leave it alone. If it is true I'm afraid bringing something like this up (especially with him overseas) could be bad. But at the same time, I just want to know if it's true. Something tells me though that if he felt that way he'd tell me. Because guys tell girls when they want to be with them...
Signed,
Overseas But Not Over Him (O.B.N.O.H)
O.B.N.O.H,
You should NOT mention the gossip you heard. First off, what did his immensely lackluster email say? Secondly, you should realize (better sooner than later) that women will often protect their own, meaning she is trying to make you feel better for missing him and sending him the email. I am not saying the party talk didn't happen, but it didn't happen the way your friend thinks it did.
Here's what probably transpired:
Your Friend: "So did you know Buddha and O.B.N.O.H had a thing?"
Girlfriend: "Yeah, so? What does that have to do with anything?"
Your Friend: (Feeling awkward) "Well not a THING thing, just a friend thing. You know, because Demar still has feelings for her."
Girlfriend: "Oh, that's what I thought."
(End Scene. Applause. Oscar, in 3, 2, 1...)
My guess is that your friend didn't want some drama starting or word getting back to you so little truths were changed to protect the innocent. If drinking was involved, then those altered truths became reality.
Regardless of the chemistry that you and Demar did or did not have, Demar left, and left without anything happening between you two. The fact that he sent an email means he cares, but the fact that it was lackluster and casual means he cares in a way you aren't prepared to handle. Face it O.B.N.O.H, you are in the Friend Zone.
This is a good thing though. It means that though he doesn't see anything happening between you two as a relationship is concerned, he does want to be a friend. That is a wonderful thing. Now get over him and allow him to be in your friend zone...and keep him there, before things get really messy.
Sean
20090914
How do you sleep?
Larisa wrote:
Hi Sean
I haven't slept well in about two months, due to a recent breakup. I know it's bad for my health to not sleep well, and I am scared to MAKE myself sleep by using medication, so I am wondering what I can do. I get so tired during the day and at night, but when I lay down to sleep at night my mind wanders into thoughts about my ex and I find myself unable to sleep. If I do fall asleep, I wake up multiple times throughout the night and toss and turn while trying to get thoughts of my ex from my mind.
Help!
Larisa
Larisa,
You're right in saying a lack of sleep is bad for your health. Sleep not only helps your memory and productivity throughout the day, it also has an effect on metabolism, immunity, and even your ability to speak. Lack of sleep can have both long term and short term health issues that can become serious as time progresses.
I commend you for recognizing the problem relatively early on.
Your thoughts are wandering because during the day you have work, school, or social deadlines and goals which, in turn, keep your mind from focusing solely on your ex. When you are in bed at night, you have no other activity to distract your mind fron your ex, so your mind begins to "center in" on those thoughts. It seems like there is still an emotional connection there and the thoughts are triggering the emotional connection and limiting your ability to relax and clear your mind.
If you see a therapist, he/she may be able to help and may be able to prescribe a short term medications that will help you sleep, or help you relieve some of the mental pressure that you may feel exists with your ex. If therapy isn't an option for you (I think it SHOULD be for everyone), you may want to try melatonin. It's a naturally occurring hormone and can do a variety of things. It can help regulate metabolism, is a powerful antioxidant, and is used primarily to regulate sleep cycles. It is known to cause vivid dreams however, and should not be overused. You can find it on the shelves of your local Target or pharmacy. I've used it myself and think it is fantastic on those nights that I can't get to sleep.
There are options out there, but the first step should be clearing your thoughts of your ex. If you have time, email me back more on that and we can see if there is a way to provide some head clearing advice for that.
Sean
Hi Sean
I haven't slept well in about two months, due to a recent breakup. I know it's bad for my health to not sleep well, and I am scared to MAKE myself sleep by using medication, so I am wondering what I can do. I get so tired during the day and at night, but when I lay down to sleep at night my mind wanders into thoughts about my ex and I find myself unable to sleep. If I do fall asleep, I wake up multiple times throughout the night and toss and turn while trying to get thoughts of my ex from my mind.
Help!
Larisa
Larisa,
You're right in saying a lack of sleep is bad for your health. Sleep not only helps your memory and productivity throughout the day, it also has an effect on metabolism, immunity, and even your ability to speak. Lack of sleep can have both long term and short term health issues that can become serious as time progresses.
I commend you for recognizing the problem relatively early on.
Your thoughts are wandering because during the day you have work, school, or social deadlines and goals which, in turn, keep your mind from focusing solely on your ex. When you are in bed at night, you have no other activity to distract your mind fron your ex, so your mind begins to "center in" on those thoughts. It seems like there is still an emotional connection there and the thoughts are triggering the emotional connection and limiting your ability to relax and clear your mind.
If you see a therapist, he/she may be able to help and may be able to prescribe a short term medications that will help you sleep, or help you relieve some of the mental pressure that you may feel exists with your ex. If therapy isn't an option for you (I think it SHOULD be for everyone), you may want to try melatonin. It's a naturally occurring hormone and can do a variety of things. It can help regulate metabolism, is a powerful antioxidant, and is used primarily to regulate sleep cycles. It is known to cause vivid dreams however, and should not be overused. You can find it on the shelves of your local Target or pharmacy. I've used it myself and think it is fantastic on those nights that I can't get to sleep.
There are options out there, but the first step should be clearing your thoughts of your ex. If you have time, email me back more on that and we can see if there is a way to provide some head clearing advice for that.
Sean
20090913
Single for too long..
Josef wrote:
Hi Sean.
I really like your site and thought maybe you could shed some light on what I am going through. You seem to be good at it.
I broke up with my fiancee almost a year ago. Why we broke up isn't the important part, but I've spent the better part of a year alone and think I am ready to go back out into the dating world. The issue is that I feel I may be unprepared for what lies ahead and was wondering what you feel the best way to "get back onto the field" is.
Josef
Well Josef, the world hasn't even made one trip around the sun, so it's not like much has changed. True, the season is again growing colder, the weather is lending itself nicely to the ability to hold close the ones we care about, the smiles seem warmer in cold air, and there's something about the ending of the summer season that makes people take stock of what they want in a relationship. I say if you're ready to dip your feet in the dating pool, go for it.
Now, that doesn't mean hit on every person with breasts that you see. THAT approach will either leave you ultimately alone or eventually hitting on a guy with man boobs after having too many shots at your local bar. Nothing against man boobs guys, but I'm guessing the last thing you'd like is Josef's hot breath on your ear. Back to the subject at hand.. Women can sense desperation like Spiderman senses danger.
It doesn't matter HOW you do it. Just be yourself and be genuine when getting to know someone. If you're sick of the bar scene or friends' blind dates (I've had a few bad ones), try the online dating world, or a dating company that does lunch dates. There are plenty of options. Try a few and stick with the one you're comfortable with.
The fact that you said you spent some time to yourself and that you feel you're ready speaks volumes-if you truly feel you're ready to take the first step, then by all means, take it.
Hi Sean.
I really like your site and thought maybe you could shed some light on what I am going through. You seem to be good at it.
I broke up with my fiancee almost a year ago. Why we broke up isn't the important part, but I've spent the better part of a year alone and think I am ready to go back out into the dating world. The issue is that I feel I may be unprepared for what lies ahead and was wondering what you feel the best way to "get back onto the field" is.
Josef
Well Josef, the world hasn't even made one trip around the sun, so it's not like much has changed. True, the season is again growing colder, the weather is lending itself nicely to the ability to hold close the ones we care about, the smiles seem warmer in cold air, and there's something about the ending of the summer season that makes people take stock of what they want in a relationship. I say if you're ready to dip your feet in the dating pool, go for it.
Now, that doesn't mean hit on every person with breasts that you see. THAT approach will either leave you ultimately alone or eventually hitting on a guy with man boobs after having too many shots at your local bar. Nothing against man boobs guys, but I'm guessing the last thing you'd like is Josef's hot breath on your ear. Back to the subject at hand.. Women can sense desperation like Spiderman senses danger.
It doesn't matter HOW you do it. Just be yourself and be genuine when getting to know someone. If you're sick of the bar scene or friends' blind dates (I've had a few bad ones), try the online dating world, or a dating company that does lunch dates. There are plenty of options. Try a few and stick with the one you're comfortable with.
The fact that you said you spent some time to yourself and that you feel you're ready speaks volumes-if you truly feel you're ready to take the first step, then by all means, take it.
20090910
Wow..
I went from 3700 views to over 11000 in less than a week. Yowza. Thanks for spreading the word gang. Keep up the great work!
20090908
Nina's letter
Nina wrote:
Sean, you have a daughter, so I hope you can help me with this. I am dating a man (for three months now) and am having trouble dealing with the fact that he has a child. I haven't met her yet (she's ten), because he feels it's still too early, but I don't know if it's THAT or the fact that someone I am developing feelings for already has a child that I am having trouble with. What should I do? I am okay for now, but every time he talks about her, I want to scream and tell him how I really feel.
Nina
This could go one or two ways Nina, so bear with me and pick the response closest suited to what you are getting at.
1) If you're having problems dealing with the fact that you've only dated this guy for three months and he hasn't introduced his daughter to you yet, get over yourself. He doesn't NEED to do that in a certain time frame and shouldn't be expected to. There are not only your needs, but also his needs AND the need of his daughter to deal with here. Frankly, the fact that he doesn't just parade the women he dates in front of his daughter is a good thing. I know people that do that and it's confusing and rough on the children. It's not like his daughter is 6 months and won't remember-she's 10 and is just beginning to see how relationships form and are conducted. He is taking his time and making sure that you two have a solid foundation before introducing another part of the equation...which brings us to 2..
2) If you aren't feeling the first response, maybe this one is right up your alley. If you have a problem with the fact that he has a child with some other woman, it is really none of your business. It's not something that is going to change, so if you knew it up front (let's be honest..who can hide the fact that they have a 10 year old?..) and didn't care then, it shouldn't bother you now. If it does, it's a conversation you should have with him ASAP. If the mother of his children isn't interfering with the relationship between you and your guy, what is the issue? It was ten years ago that he had a child. If you feel the newness of child rearing is lost on someone that's already had children, think again..each child is a new experience. Yeah, the knowledge of changing a diaper or recognizing colic, or practicing effective burping techniques is there, but you should be thankful for those moments. The rest of the experience will be brand new, and if he grows to love you enough to have children, he'll be sharing that child experience with someone totally new-you.
Either situation will require some communication. Talk with him about it BEFORE you feel like screaming, but realize that he isn't going to think about what's best for you two, he also has a daughter to think about. Hopefully you can understand what it'd be like and still be a part of that future.
Sean
Sean, you have a daughter, so I hope you can help me with this. I am dating a man (for three months now) and am having trouble dealing with the fact that he has a child. I haven't met her yet (she's ten), because he feels it's still too early, but I don't know if it's THAT or the fact that someone I am developing feelings for already has a child that I am having trouble with. What should I do? I am okay for now, but every time he talks about her, I want to scream and tell him how I really feel.
Nina
This could go one or two ways Nina, so bear with me and pick the response closest suited to what you are getting at.
1) If you're having problems dealing with the fact that you've only dated this guy for three months and he hasn't introduced his daughter to you yet, get over yourself. He doesn't NEED to do that in a certain time frame and shouldn't be expected to. There are not only your needs, but also his needs AND the need of his daughter to deal with here. Frankly, the fact that he doesn't just parade the women he dates in front of his daughter is a good thing. I know people that do that and it's confusing and rough on the children. It's not like his daughter is 6 months and won't remember-she's 10 and is just beginning to see how relationships form and are conducted. He is taking his time and making sure that you two have a solid foundation before introducing another part of the equation...which brings us to 2..
2) If you aren't feeling the first response, maybe this one is right up your alley. If you have a problem with the fact that he has a child with some other woman, it is really none of your business. It's not something that is going to change, so if you knew it up front (let's be honest..who can hide the fact that they have a 10 year old?..) and didn't care then, it shouldn't bother you now. If it does, it's a conversation you should have with him ASAP. If the mother of his children isn't interfering with the relationship between you and your guy, what is the issue? It was ten years ago that he had a child. If you feel the newness of child rearing is lost on someone that's already had children, think again..each child is a new experience. Yeah, the knowledge of changing a diaper or recognizing colic, or practicing effective burping techniques is there, but you should be thankful for those moments. The rest of the experience will be brand new, and if he grows to love you enough to have children, he'll be sharing that child experience with someone totally new-you.
Either situation will require some communication. Talk with him about it BEFORE you feel like screaming, but realize that he isn't going to think about what's best for you two, he also has a daughter to think about. Hopefully you can understand what it'd be like and still be a part of that future.
Sean
Jenny writes:
Jenny writes:
I love your blog Sean. It's refreshing to see so many people feeling a connection to you.
I was writing to ask your opinion on something as well. I am facing some issues in my life because I can't seem to say no. If someone wants to spend time with me, I can't decline, if they need my help I can't decline, if they want me to come to an event of some sort I can't decline. It's causing me to doublebook things then have to make excuses as to why I am either extremely late or not able to attend. I don't like the frustration it's causing, but can't change..what do I do?
Jenny
Jenny, I know many people that have the same issues as yours, so just know you're not alone. It's not bad to be such a giving person, but it IS bad to give others complete control over yourself and your time. You need to learn to say no. Understand that people aren't going to be upset if you can't do something because you've made other arrangements or if you just need some "me time", and trust me, you DO need some "me time" in life. Stand up for yourself and be more assertive. Start by making one day out of the week your own day. That is the day that is off limits for planning. YOU will decide what you do on that day. From there, expand outward and add one or two more days that you will control, but factor in "me time" each day.
Explain to your friends what happened if you double book an event. Don't make excuses, because that's basically lying. Just tell them what happened or explain that you have other plans. They will understand. After all, it's better to get the truth in advance than it is to find out later you were lied to. Learn to eventually plan ahead, but plan for yourself.
Sean
I love your blog Sean. It's refreshing to see so many people feeling a connection to you.
I was writing to ask your opinion on something as well. I am facing some issues in my life because I can't seem to say no. If someone wants to spend time with me, I can't decline, if they need my help I can't decline, if they want me to come to an event of some sort I can't decline. It's causing me to doublebook things then have to make excuses as to why I am either extremely late or not able to attend. I don't like the frustration it's causing, but can't change..what do I do?
Jenny
Jenny, I know many people that have the same issues as yours, so just know you're not alone. It's not bad to be such a giving person, but it IS bad to give others complete control over yourself and your time. You need to learn to say no. Understand that people aren't going to be upset if you can't do something because you've made other arrangements or if you just need some "me time", and trust me, you DO need some "me time" in life. Stand up for yourself and be more assertive. Start by making one day out of the week your own day. That is the day that is off limits for planning. YOU will decide what you do on that day. From there, expand outward and add one or two more days that you will control, but factor in "me time" each day.
Explain to your friends what happened if you double book an event. Don't make excuses, because that's basically lying. Just tell them what happened or explain that you have other plans. They will understand. After all, it's better to get the truth in advance than it is to find out later you were lied to. Learn to eventually plan ahead, but plan for yourself.
Sean
20090905
These dreams..
So, for years, I've had this reoccurring dream:
It starts with me in a small town during some sort of celebration. I am looking for some people I know (I don't know who) and can't find them, so I camp out by a pond with a bunch of other people. When I wake up, the celebration (it's changed.. sometimes a parade, sometimes a town "crazy days" thing) has begun and I am all alone. I walk into a building by the pond and wash up, then on my way out, I hear the most horrifying sound. The ground shakes and this steely screech fills the surrounding area. As I look up into the sky, I see jet planes, many of them, on fire and crashing to the ground. One always comes right toward me and slams into the ground as I run from the giant flaming chunk of metal. It tears up the dirt ground right behind me, but I jump out of the way just in time. I am alright and I check, but no one is on the planes...but no one is left in the town either. They're all gone.
I've researched the "crashing plane" part of my dreams over and over again and it seems as if I have some self-doubt toward reaching my goals (whatever they may be), but after having the dream again last night, I decided to research the rest. Here is what I discovered:
(Twice in the dream) Being alone- It's a feeling of rejection. Perhaps that I've been misunderstood.
Camping out- I am in need of a long break. Also indicates a need to return to a simpler life.
Town (busy..activities)- Suggests I am a sociable person.
Waking up- I need to wake up and realize something.
Town (empty)- Suggests I am isolating myself from others.
Celebration- Symbolizes freedom and emotional release.
Explosion (the fireball plane crash)- Means my subconscious is trying to get my attention.
Running (away from the exploding plane crash)- I am not facing or confronting something.
Danger (escaping from it)- Signifies that I will rise to a high position in by business and social circles.
So what does it all mean when I put it together?
I feel I've been misunderstood somehow with work or my social life and I deep down feel I need a break from things. By doing that, I'll be closer to some sort of freedom or emotional release.
I need to wake up, however and realize that I have some sort of self-doubt toward reaching my life goals and also realize that I am not facing those goals. My subconscious is trying to tell me that I need to do this to further myself in life.
Wow. Heavy. I think it's right.
It starts with me in a small town during some sort of celebration. I am looking for some people I know (I don't know who) and can't find them, so I camp out by a pond with a bunch of other people. When I wake up, the celebration (it's changed.. sometimes a parade, sometimes a town "crazy days" thing) has begun and I am all alone. I walk into a building by the pond and wash up, then on my way out, I hear the most horrifying sound. The ground shakes and this steely screech fills the surrounding area. As I look up into the sky, I see jet planes, many of them, on fire and crashing to the ground. One always comes right toward me and slams into the ground as I run from the giant flaming chunk of metal. It tears up the dirt ground right behind me, but I jump out of the way just in time. I am alright and I check, but no one is on the planes...but no one is left in the town either. They're all gone.
I've researched the "crashing plane" part of my dreams over and over again and it seems as if I have some self-doubt toward reaching my goals (whatever they may be), but after having the dream again last night, I decided to research the rest. Here is what I discovered:
(Twice in the dream) Being alone- It's a feeling of rejection. Perhaps that I've been misunderstood.
Camping out- I am in need of a long break. Also indicates a need to return to a simpler life.
Town (busy..activities)- Suggests I am a sociable person.
Waking up- I need to wake up and realize something.
Town (empty)- Suggests I am isolating myself from others.
Celebration- Symbolizes freedom and emotional release.
Explosion (the fireball plane crash)- Means my subconscious is trying to get my attention.
Running (away from the exploding plane crash)- I am not facing or confronting something.
Danger (escaping from it)- Signifies that I will rise to a high position in by business and social circles.
So what does it all mean when I put it together?
I feel I've been misunderstood somehow with work or my social life and I deep down feel I need a break from things. By doing that, I'll be closer to some sort of freedom or emotional release.
I need to wake up, however and realize that I have some sort of self-doubt toward reaching my life goals and also realize that I am not facing those goals. My subconscious is trying to tell me that I need to do this to further myself in life.
Wow. Heavy. I think it's right.
20090904
Rejection
So I did not get the promotion I was hoping for. I was disappointed to hear that they had hired an external candidate, but was happy to hear that they plan to get me in there as soon a possible.
Getting passed over for a promotion is a difficult thing to deal with, just like being rejected in a budding relationship. Things are exciting and new and you're still feeling your way through dates (interviews, basically), and then you find out that person has passed you over for someone else. It's the sickening drop of disappointment that is the worst...it hits you in your chest and just sits in your gut.
It's not the end though. Instead, it's a chance to learn. You may be disappointed, but if you change that into determination, it will open other doors in the future. Keep your goals in mind and continue working for them, while at the same time making new experiences for yourself.
Sean
20090903
Randy writes
Randy wrote:
Hi
I really love your blog. It's not only an informational read, but it's just SO engrossing. It's my guilty pleasure.
Anyway, I just broke up with this guy. We'll call him Dan. We dated for years and I really loved him. He turned out to be grossly unfaithful (I found that out while he and I were on a date and two other guys confronted us. Turns out Dan likes threesomes..) and we went through a messy breakup.
I thought I was over him, but I keep "seeing him" all over town. I don't REALLY see him, I just think I do. I could be driving by a gas station and I catch what I think is him out of the corner of my eye, or I think I see his face at the mall, etc. It's driving me crazy. I've talked to my friends and told them that I've been thinking of him and there are signs that are pointing out that I should take him back and they all think I am nuts for even considering it. What should I do?
Randy
Your friends are right Randy. You shouldn't even be considering taking him back. If he has been unfaithful and kept it from you with no qualms, then who knows what else he's kept from you. You may be seeing his face because you are going places that the two of you used to go, or doing some of the things you two used to do. If you live in a small town, it can be tougher, but try to avoid those places and activities for a bit if you can.
As far as "signs" pointing out that you should take him back, I feel "signs" are all a steaming pile of crap. Signs can go either way. What if every sign that reminds you of him is really a reminder that you should NOT be with him? Your heart and mind are disagreeing and it's causing you issues. Signs don't exist here in the real world. Save those for the next wacky Sandra Bullock romantic comedy (please God, no more..).
He was unfaithful. Live with it and move on. You'll have a better life without him.
Sean
Hi
I really love your blog. It's not only an informational read, but it's just SO engrossing. It's my guilty pleasure.
Anyway, I just broke up with this guy. We'll call him Dan. We dated for years and I really loved him. He turned out to be grossly unfaithful (I found that out while he and I were on a date and two other guys confronted us. Turns out Dan likes threesomes..) and we went through a messy breakup.
I thought I was over him, but I keep "seeing him" all over town. I don't REALLY see him, I just think I do. I could be driving by a gas station and I catch what I think is him out of the corner of my eye, or I think I see his face at the mall, etc. It's driving me crazy. I've talked to my friends and told them that I've been thinking of him and there are signs that are pointing out that I should take him back and they all think I am nuts for even considering it. What should I do?
Randy
Your friends are right Randy. You shouldn't even be considering taking him back. If he has been unfaithful and kept it from you with no qualms, then who knows what else he's kept from you. You may be seeing his face because you are going places that the two of you used to go, or doing some of the things you two used to do. If you live in a small town, it can be tougher, but try to avoid those places and activities for a bit if you can.
As far as "signs" pointing out that you should take him back, I feel "signs" are all a steaming pile of crap. Signs can go either way. What if every sign that reminds you of him is really a reminder that you should NOT be with him? Your heart and mind are disagreeing and it's causing you issues. Signs don't exist here in the real world. Save those for the next wacky Sandra Bullock romantic comedy (please God, no more..).
He was unfaithful. Live with it and move on. You'll have a better life without him.
Sean
John
John wrote:
I liked your response to the person that you thought had body dismorphia, but I have to say it sounds much like something I went through.
I'd spent my life being overweight as well, and after losing over 100 lbs (by getting my eating habits in order with the help of a therapist), I felt I looked great, but I started doing the same things Jake did. I would weigh everything I ate, if I was eating somewhere that didn't have the foods I "could eat" I wouldn't eat (I didn't eat for two days once while on a camping trip), and it ruined my life. It ruined my life, that is, until I went back to a therapist and discovered I had OCD. I went through a few years of therapy and have overcome my "issues" as I like to call them. They're still there, I've just learned to not exaggerate their importance.
I am still healthy too!
Anyway, I just wanted to pass that along, in case Jake feels like his issues may be from something different.
John
Thanks John. That is some good input. Jake, check with your therapist and again, I hope things work out for you.
Sean
I liked your response to the person that you thought had body dismorphia, but I have to say it sounds much like something I went through.
I'd spent my life being overweight as well, and after losing over 100 lbs (by getting my eating habits in order with the help of a therapist), I felt I looked great, but I started doing the same things Jake did. I would weigh everything I ate, if I was eating somewhere that didn't have the foods I "could eat" I wouldn't eat (I didn't eat for two days once while on a camping trip), and it ruined my life. It ruined my life, that is, until I went back to a therapist and discovered I had OCD. I went through a few years of therapy and have overcome my "issues" as I like to call them. They're still there, I've just learned to not exaggerate their importance.
I am still healthy too!
Anyway, I just wanted to pass that along, in case Jake feels like his issues may be from something different.
John
Thanks John. That is some good input. Jake, check with your therapist and again, I hope things work out for you.
Sean
20090901
Ugh
No word yet on the promotion at work. Hopefully tomorrow.
On a different note, the cold weather has screwed up my sinuses something fierce. Time to stock up on dayquil.
Normal posts resume tomorrow after this (hopefully) glorious night of sleep.
On a different note, the cold weather has screwed up my sinuses something fierce. Time to stock up on dayquil.
Normal posts resume tomorrow after this (hopefully) glorious night of sleep.
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