Nina's letter

Nina wrote:

Sean, you have a daughter, so I hope you can help me with this. I am dating a man (for three months now) and am having trouble dealing with the fact that he has a child. I haven't met her yet (she's ten), because he feels it's still too early, but I don't know if it's THAT or the fact that someone I am developing feelings for already has a child that I am having trouble with. What should I do? I am okay for now, but every time he talks about her, I want to scream and tell him how I really feel.

Nina

This could go one or two ways Nina, so bear with me and pick the response closest suited to what you are getting at.

1) If you're having problems dealing with the fact that you've only dated this guy for three months and he hasn't introduced his daughter to you yet, get over yourself. He doesn't NEED to do that in a certain time frame and shouldn't be expected to. There are not only your needs, but also his needs AND the need of his daughter to deal with here. Frankly, the fact that he doesn't just parade the women he dates in front of his daughter is a good thing. I know people that do that and it's confusing and rough on the children. It's not like his daughter is 6 months and won't remember-she's 10 and is just beginning to see how relationships form and are conducted. He is taking his time and making sure that you two have a solid foundation before introducing another part of the equation...which brings us to 2..

2) If you aren't feeling the first response, maybe this one is right up your alley. If you have a problem with the fact that he has a child with some other woman, it is really none of your business. It's not something that is going to change, so if you knew it up front (let's be honest..who can hide the fact that they have a 10 year old?..) and didn't care then, it shouldn't bother you now. If it does, it's a conversation you should have with him ASAP. If the mother of his children isn't interfering with the relationship between you and your guy, what is the issue? It was ten years ago that he had a child. If you feel the newness of child rearing is lost on someone that's already had children, think again..each child is a new experience. Yeah, the knowledge of changing a diaper or recognizing colic, or practicing effective burping techniques is there, but you should be thankful for those moments. The rest of the experience will be brand new, and if he grows to love you enough to have children, he'll be sharing that child experience with someone totally new-you.

Either situation will require some communication. Talk with him about it BEFORE you feel like screaming, but realize that he isn't going to think about what's best for you two, he also has a daughter to think about. Hopefully you can understand what it'd be like and still be a part of that future.

Sean