Bryant wrote:

sean,

you had mentioned online dating. i like the idea myself, but am worried. what can i expect? will i like it? is it as scary as it seems?

bryant

bryant (thanks for not using capitals. i am going to write this response in all lower case to also help you protest the overuse of proper english)

i love the world of online dating. i think it can be a very safe, secure, and interesting way to meet people outside of the normal settings like bars and friends (that have no idea what type of person we actually look for).

what makes you worried? if it's a fear of safety, you just need to use caution when contacting someone for the first time, or first few times. TIP #1: If she looks like a pornstar, she isn't..."she" is probably a "he" using a pornstar's pic in a lame attempt to get you to give up info. don't fall for that trap.

is it a fear of security? if that's the case, just set up the first meeting or two in a public place where you will be able to talk and get to know each other. TIP #2: do not invite friends on the first date. let her get to know you, not your friend who will more than likely c*ckblock you the entire night before puking on your shoes.

is it a fear of the "new" dating scene? a simple way to adjust is to browse pictures before joining any site. if they don't have that option, it's not worth joining. yeah, i am looking at you e-harmony. TIP #3: Would you go on a date with a blindfold on? Look before you leap.

..Okay, damn. I can't do no capitals anymore. It's driving me crazy.

As far as what you can expect, I've made a short (comical) list of what to expect. As strange as some of these may seem, it's actually a positive environment.

1. Women will quote movie lines that they think men love, but they'll never quote the best lines in the movie. They'll quote the dumb ones. This is okay, they'll learn, eventually.

2. Women will often say things like "must love dogs" or "must love cats". Beware of these women. If your idea of loving a pet is feeding them, petting them, and walking/playing with them, these people are about to take you on the creepy train to Petsville. Many of the people that write this will baby talk their pets for hours, let them sleep in bed with them (and I am not talking at the foot of the bed, I mean IN bed & on your pillow when you're not there..), and will push you into the path of a speeding car if it meant saving their pet. True, there are some normal people that will write this and mean it from a normal perspective, but not many. If they have more than two pictures of their pet, run. Run! Now, before their pet eats your soul!

3. Men that are "not looking for anything serious" have an STD breeding ground between their legs and will often resort to whatever means necessary to sleep with you.

4. Women that describe themselves as independent often times mean, "I am career focused and will do whatever the hell I please. I will call you when I'd like, and you better answer, but don't expect me to do the same when you call."

Women that write this SOMETIMES mean, "I was hurt before for loving someone too much and it will take me a little time to open up and want to spend a large block of time with you."

Finally, women that write this RARELY mean, "I just don't want to come off as needy, so I'll say I am independent when in reality I'll be watching you in your sleep. From outside your window..or your closet if it's raining outside."

5. Men that post pictures of themselves posing in bathroom mirrors, flexing pecs or abs, or that offer to send you "some nice pics" are often times just as big of douchebags as they seemed while you read that line. That squinting face you're making while reading that first sentence? That'll be the same face you make when looking at them naked, gyrating for you in a phone-shot video. Douche.

6. If a guy talks about his car, bike, boat, or has pictures thereof in his profile just WALK AWAY. This guy will eventually end up cheating on you and lying about the details, even though you were watching because he came home while you were hiding in his closet. I can't blame you, it was raining outside, right?

There you go Bryant. A comical look at online dating. In all honesty, it's a completely normal and fun way to get to know people. Just be yourself, be safe when emailing (just as you would on Facebook or Myspace), and make sure you're getting to know a real person. After all, that's what we're all really looking for.

Sean