Building a mystery

Jeanine wrote:

Hi Sean

You seem to know a lot about the ins and outs of online dating, so I hope you can help me comprehend some of my online dating scenarios. I tried match.com this summer and enjoyed getting to know different people. I talked with so me on the phone, facebook messaged others, and eventually met face-to-face many all of them. All of my meetings/first encounters went great. However two of the “dates” that I thought went really well seemed to confuse me the most. Here are my stories:

Scenerio numero uno:
I talked on the phone with Luke (we’ll call him) and the conversation flew very swiftly. We agreed to meet each other in person. So the next day we ate out at a T.G.I. Friday’s. We had a really great time—a lot of things in common, the same goal of friendship/meeting new people around where we live, same sense of humor, etc. At the end of the night, he asked me if I wanted to hang out some more, and I agreed. Before we were going to leave the restaurant, Luke was the one who first mentioned hanging out after dinner. Then, maybe 2 minutes later, he was also the one who mentioned that he had to work early, so we decided to reschedule something for Saturday (the next day). Before we parted ways and each headed back home, he suggested that we hang out at a beach sometime. Don’t get me wrong, I love the beach, but I am self-conscious about how I look in a bathing suit. So I, being honest, said something along the lines of, “Sure, but I don’t really like how I look in a swimsuit.” He responded by saying, “Oh, well, I practically live at the beach.” And that was how the night/conversation ended. Kind of awkward. That was one of the only things I felt we didn’t have in common, though—“living” at the beach. He was very attractive, so I guess I was just protecting my confidence. The next day (Saturday) he called me after work like he said he would and I asked if he still wanted to hang out (assuming he would say yes) like he had suggested the previous night. He said that his friend who is a cop rarely gets the weekends off, and that this weekend he had it off. So he was going to hang out with his cop friend (was this a lame excuse to brush me off?). Luke was going on vacation (he had told me this a week prior to our dinner date—so I know this was truth) the next week, so he told me that he would call me when he got back and that we could hang out then. So I agreed and wished him a fun trip. I did not contact him during his trip, but finally decided to text him after he had been back home for about 5 days. He had never contacted me. I texted something along the lines of, “Hey Luke, hope your trip was fun. Do you want to get together sometime this week? I’m going out of town soon and would love to hang out again. Either way, let me know.” Low and behold, he didn’t respond. Three days later I texted him again: “Luke, I think you’re a cool guy, but if you aren’t interested, please just let me know. I don’t like being ignored and left confused.” And he still never responded. I was really looking forward to getting to know him better, and from our first dinner date, I’m pretty sure he was interested in a friendship as well. I feel like what I said in the parking lot that night about the beach scared him away, though. But if he was an understanding/good person, don’t you think he would have understood and moved on? It makes me sad to think that something small like that ruined a potential friendship. I want to text him again saying “f-you”, but I know that is juvenile I am better than that. What are your thoughts on why I lost communication with him?

Scenario numero dos:
“Nick” and I messaged each other back and forth on facebook and decided to get together because we had many similar interests and ideals. So we met at a Perkins one night. And we hit it off! We talked and laughed for two hours straight, and decided to see each other again two days later. That night we texted each other and said that we both had a wonderful time and couldn’t wait until the next. The next time we hung out we went to an improv show and drove around town afterwards, talking. When he dropped me off, he gave me a huge hug (and told me he had a great time) before I had even taken off my seatbelt. We agreed to get together again, even though both of us had busy schedule s in the upcoming weeks. A week or two passed and we didn’t see each other. So I messaged him saying (yet again) that I had a wonderful time with him, and asked how he was doing and if he would like to get together again soon. Well…he never messaged back. Or contacted me in any way, shape, or form.

Why does this always happen to me? I have other similar stories, but these two hurt me the most. Why is it that the guys I enjoy getting to know/the ones that seem really interested in me in return always stop talking to me and leave me hanging. It is really confusing and sad for me. I have asked my best girlfriends and other guys why this happened, and they are befuddled as well. I was not pushy in trying to pursue any friendship. Do I keep trying to contact these people, or just say “don’t cry because it’s over—smile because it happened” and blow it all off?...

I'd let you see my profile on Match, but after these issues, I deleted my match profile. My free trial has expired. I remember saying that I am looking for friendship, am an open-minded person, love life, etc. I was careful how I worded things and asked my best friend how the profile looked and sounded. She approved. She is also a very sensible person. To tell you the truth, I’ve never actually been in a relationship before. So I am not able to tell you how I act in one or how I act in one vs. a normal friendship. But I can tell you that I am not a very flirty person. I love to laugh. I am very kind/considerate. I hope that helps…

Thanks, Sean

Jeanine

Jeanine
It sounds as if you're picking the wrong type of people? I don't know if you're either picking people much older/younger than you, or if you are picking people that are looking for some permanence, but these two people seem to have been put off by something that occurred on the date. The dates themselves sound like they went fine, so I am guessing that it was something in the conversation that made them think either:

a) This person will not stick around. (Either due to school, work, family, or wanting to leave the area)

b) This person seems like someone that doesn't want a serious relationship and that is what I am looking for.

c) I am looking to just be playful and not be serious right now.

Conversation can be great on a date, but one single phrase or sentence can be a "deal breaker". For example, if someone says they let their pet sleep in bed (see the earlier blog about Match) that is an instant deal breaker for me because I believe pets are pets, not people. I won't just stand up and storm out if I hear that on a date though. I've got more tact than that. I'll wait until the next conversation, clarify, and if it is my dealbreaker, I will explain that I don't think we're a good match. I will also explain at the end of a date if I don't think I'd like to see them again. It may seem asshole-like of me, but they deserve honesty.

If the men hearing something on the date that is putting them off, chances are that these guys just don't know how to be mature and explain what they are feeling. This scenario is usually common if you're perhaps considerably younger/older than them and they can't remember how to, or don't have experience dealing with communicating over the age gap (which is why I mentioned the age thing).

Of course, the possibility could be that you're so caught up in the meeting with this person that you're reading the person wrong and actually going on a date with an douchebag just looking to get laid. It happens, but in those circumstances, I think both guys would have at least tried to kiss you at some point.

If it is an age thing, lower/raise the gap to within three years. If it's not an age thing, I'd recommend screening your possible dates further. Talk with them longer through phone or email and get to know what type of person they are and establish if there are or aren't any dealbreakers between you two.

Without seeing your profile and seeing what words you use, I can't honestly say it's anything you're doing specifically. I think you're just choosing the wrong people.

Sean