Hi Sean
I like your blog and find myself reading it two or three times a week. I really find it interesting that people feel so comfortable being so open with a total stranger, so I am trying it myself.
I think I have an eating disorder or something. I was an overweight kid (my mom bought whatever snack was cheapest-needless to say it was usually twinkies or little debbie) and really didn't serve healthy meals. Once I started getting made fun of for being overweight, I became self conscious about working out.
So years ago, after a painful breakup, I decided to do something about my weight. I started working out, eating healthy, and watching my portions, and it worked-the ponds slid right off. I looked fantastic. Unfortunately, it's consumed my life. I am always weighing my food portions to make sure I always eat the right amount, I will drive miles out of the way to get the right foods that I've planned to eat, and it's killed my social life because I don't drink or eat any restaurant foods, so I feel strange just sitting there with my friends all having a good time. I feel as if they're just humoring me by having me there, while knowing I can't eat their food. I am getting depressed.
What do I do? I love how I look, but hate how I feel.
Jake
Jake, have you heard of BDD? Body Dismorphic Disorder is still a rare (but becoming more common) disease in which the person is "hyper critical" of their appearance. People with this disorder are usually already attractive individuals, but feel as if there are parts of their body that are grossly unattractive. The reason I ask if you've heard of it, is that you've explained some of the symptoms, which are:
1 Anxiety- You drive miles out of the way to pick up foods for your plan? Do you get anxious if you can't strictly follow this plan? All healthy plans give room for relaxed eating.
2 Obsessive thoughts about appearance- you used the phrase "LOOKED fantastic" as if you no longer look fantastic..
3 Feeling self conscious in social settings- you'd mentioned your friends mocking you for not eating their food.
4 Depression- You said flat out that this behavior was making you depressed.
I'd talk with a therapist to see if they make the same connection. If so, there are treatments available and most include raising the serotonin level in your brain through medication.
This is a dangerous disorder, so take my advice to see a therapist seriously. Good luck.
Sean
20090831
20090828
L's letter
L (didn't list her full name) wrote:
I read your piece on adopted people in relationships and thought it was brilliant. It was just like you were talking about me. I had spent my whole life in bad relationships and had issues with my self-esteem as a result of being adopted. I just seemed to bring people into my relationships that either take advantage of me, keep me around and only treat me well when they want to, and have had impossible long distance relationships. I just couldn't get it right. Whenever I'd fall in love, it was filled with drama. After a particularly bad breakup, someone suggested I see a therapist. After some time, I did go to a therapist and got my life back in order. It was a great help and really helped me understand WHY I was doing what I was.
I just wanted to pass that along, since you may have other adopted people reading this blog. Therapy helps more than you can ever imagine. And thank you Sean, for writing such a great piece.
L
You know L, I was just talking with my friend Ann about this the other day and she shared an excerpt from a book with me. It's by Kasey Hamner and it's called "Whose Child?" Have you read this book? Here is the excerpt:
"...I always attracted people in my life who in effect "abandoned" me with their behavior. They did this in many ways such as insulting me, using me, and disrespecting me. It disturbed me to know that I let them do this. I realize now I let these things happen. After all, being alone is a much safer place to be, because for me, love ultimately means abandonment of the little girl inside.... I had unconsciously put myself into situations with men that repeated the pain of separation. I entered willingly into unhealthy relationships with emotionally unavailable men..."
I am not adopted, but I know many people that are, and from what I know, many have been in similar situations. I think therapy is a good choice for anyone facing lasting issues in their life.
Thank you for writing.
Sean
I read your piece on adopted people in relationships and thought it was brilliant. It was just like you were talking about me. I had spent my whole life in bad relationships and had issues with my self-esteem as a result of being adopted. I just seemed to bring people into my relationships that either take advantage of me, keep me around and only treat me well when they want to, and have had impossible long distance relationships. I just couldn't get it right. Whenever I'd fall in love, it was filled with drama. After a particularly bad breakup, someone suggested I see a therapist. After some time, I did go to a therapist and got my life back in order. It was a great help and really helped me understand WHY I was doing what I was.
I just wanted to pass that along, since you may have other adopted people reading this blog. Therapy helps more than you can ever imagine. And thank you Sean, for writing such a great piece.
L
You know L, I was just talking with my friend Ann about this the other day and she shared an excerpt from a book with me. It's by Kasey Hamner and it's called "Whose Child?" Have you read this book? Here is the excerpt:
"...I always attracted people in my life who in effect "abandoned" me with their behavior. They did this in many ways such as insulting me, using me, and disrespecting me. It disturbed me to know that I let them do this. I realize now I let these things happen. After all, being alone is a much safer place to be, because for me, love ultimately means abandonment of the little girl inside.... I had unconsciously put myself into situations with men that repeated the pain of separation. I entered willingly into unhealthy relationships with emotionally unavailable men..."
I am not adopted, but I know many people that are, and from what I know, many have been in similar situations. I think therapy is a good choice for anyone facing lasting issues in their life.
Thank you for writing.
Sean
Renee's letter..
Renee wrote:
You're a single dad and I can appreciate that, but I have to ask, how is the relationship between you and your daughter's mother? I am a single parent and would like to think I don't have drama, but the truth is, there is still lots to go around.
Renee
Thanks for writing Renee. My daughter's mother and I get along just fine. We have our stubborn moments and disagreements, but we both do what we can to be friends with each other as well as parents. We share parenting advice, educational news, praises and punishments. All in all it's a good situation. She is remarried to a good guy who also has kids so my daughter's mother's hands are definitely full and I think she does a great job. So does her husband for that matter.
In my view, if you have kids and have broken up for the benefit of the children, there should be NO drama. That is why you broke up after all, right? If you tried what you could and the relationship didn't work, then be friends. Don't do the "friends with benefits" thing, don't interfere with any relationships, don't mix feelings, just let it end..and be friends. Your kids deserve nothing but the best, and you owe it to them to give them that.
Sean
You're a single dad and I can appreciate that, but I have to ask, how is the relationship between you and your daughter's mother? I am a single parent and would like to think I don't have drama, but the truth is, there is still lots to go around.
Renee
Thanks for writing Renee. My daughter's mother and I get along just fine. We have our stubborn moments and disagreements, but we both do what we can to be friends with each other as well as parents. We share parenting advice, educational news, praises and punishments. All in all it's a good situation. She is remarried to a good guy who also has kids so my daughter's mother's hands are definitely full and I think she does a great job. So does her husband for that matter.
In my view, if you have kids and have broken up for the benefit of the children, there should be NO drama. That is why you broke up after all, right? If you tried what you could and the relationship didn't work, then be friends. Don't do the "friends with benefits" thing, don't interfere with any relationships, don't mix feelings, just let it end..and be friends. Your kids deserve nothing but the best, and you owe it to them to give them that.
Sean
20090827
Editorial
I have been getting an increasing number of emails stating they are giving up on ever finding love because either they've had bad luck or can't seem to find the person they feel is out there.
My usual questions to them are as follows:
1) Why are you looking so hard?
2) How many people have your turned away?
When someone says they are looking "SO hard" for love, I equate it to waltzing in the middle of I94 during rush hour. It's a scary thing putting yourself out there. You probably won't even make it out without being hurt..badly. The same thing is true with love. On the interstate, if you see them and they see you, the cars will swerve to avoid you, but eventually you'll get hit when you least expect it. The same goes for love. If people see the desperation in wanting love, they'll steer clear, but if you just live your life, you'll find love when it hits you.
As I visit different places in this city, I see love everywhere. Sometimes it's between two people that appear to be polar opposites. They're what I call the WTF couple-the couple that people look and think "WTF? Why are they together?" It doesn't matter why. They are so in love that the world seems to spin around them. If you don't give someone a chance to get to know you, YOU are denying yourself a chance at a meaningful connection.
In every street, every building, every shadow, and every heart there is love. Love comes in every shape and size, every race and every culture. Open your eyes and realize that there are thousands of people, maybe even millions that deserve your love..and that may give you love in return. Get out there and waltz.
(P.s. Don't waltz in I94 for real. That's just crazy)
My usual questions to them are as follows:
1) Why are you looking so hard?
2) How many people have your turned away?
When someone says they are looking "SO hard" for love, I equate it to waltzing in the middle of I94 during rush hour. It's a scary thing putting yourself out there. You probably won't even make it out without being hurt..badly. The same thing is true with love. On the interstate, if you see them and they see you, the cars will swerve to avoid you, but eventually you'll get hit when you least expect it. The same goes for love. If people see the desperation in wanting love, they'll steer clear, but if you just live your life, you'll find love when it hits you.
As I visit different places in this city, I see love everywhere. Sometimes it's between two people that appear to be polar opposites. They're what I call the WTF couple-the couple that people look and think "WTF? Why are they together?" It doesn't matter why. They are so in love that the world seems to spin around them. If you don't give someone a chance to get to know you, YOU are denying yourself a chance at a meaningful connection.
In every street, every building, every shadow, and every heart there is love. Love comes in every shape and size, every race and every culture. Open your eyes and realize that there are thousands of people, maybe even millions that deserve your love..and that may give you love in return. Get out there and waltz.
(P.s. Don't waltz in I94 for real. That's just crazy)
20090825
More strange questions..
From time to time, my inbox is filled with strange questions. With some, it only requires a short answer and the others I can't decide if people are seriously asking them or not, so I save them up and answer them in bulk.
Here is Round 2:
Have you ever worn a dress?
Yes. Once for a photo scavenger hunt, and once for a school program. The second time was when being a twin really sucks.
What is your progress on the workout?
I am still working out on a 3-4 day a week routine, my waist is smaller than it was in high school, and I think I am really beginning to like my progress. My arms have gotten bigger and my whole body has toned up. It's been a good transformation.
Maybe it's just me, but is anyone else afraid of women with hairy arms? It seems that more and more stars have them.
Uh, not afraid, but I don't like a ton of it.. How hairy are we talking? Just a little or like Chewbacca's sister?
Will you come with me to Europe?
No. The last thing I need is to be drugged and found ass-up in an alley in Brussels.
If I drink nothing but water and eat only lettuce and apples, will I lose weight fast?
Yes! And if you do it, you'll also probably get sick and you may die! Don't do it!
I have this raised rash on my inner thigh. What do you think it is?
WOAH! Nope. Not diagnosing physical stuff. Go to the doctor and hope to God it isn't syphillis or something.
Why don't you post more pictures of yourself?
If it's pictures you want, I will send you a facebook link. The blog pictures are more to show where I have gone and what I have done, not to show me in these places. I waste enough time uploading to my facebook and photobucket.
What states have you been to?
I have been to 36 states. I won't list them all because they know who they are.
My friends think I am crazy but I judge guys by the type of car they drive. The more expensive it is, the better the relationship will be. I like financial security.
I don't think you're crazy..I think you're a superficial idiot.
I was raised Catholic but have found that I've developed my own religious views over the years. My mom and dad really make me feel guilty about it. What do you think of religion?
I think religion is not as concrete in it's beliefs as it was in the past. People out there have taken it to new extremes and others have developed their own views. Relgion, in my opinion, should be just that..your own personal beliefs, not an extremist view that excludes other people or makes others feel bad for believing something different. Your parents are doing what they know. Talk with them and see what you can do about opening their eyes.
I am afraid to wear deodorant. I hear it makes you get cancer. Any tips?
Yes. Wear deodorant. Without it, you'll stink. Please for the love of God, wear it. The cancer scare is not proven and seems like complete BS.
My boyfriend wants to give me an "Angry Walrus". Do you know what that is? Is it sexual? Is it good?
Yes, I know what it is. Yes, it is sexual, NO it is NOT good. DON'T do it.
What is your shoe size?
13
Here is Round 2:
Have you ever worn a dress?
Yes. Once for a photo scavenger hunt, and once for a school program. The second time was when being a twin really sucks.
What is your progress on the workout?
I am still working out on a 3-4 day a week routine, my waist is smaller than it was in high school, and I think I am really beginning to like my progress. My arms have gotten bigger and my whole body has toned up. It's been a good transformation.
Maybe it's just me, but is anyone else afraid of women with hairy arms? It seems that more and more stars have them.
Uh, not afraid, but I don't like a ton of it.. How hairy are we talking? Just a little or like Chewbacca's sister?
Will you come with me to Europe?
No. The last thing I need is to be drugged and found ass-up in an alley in Brussels.
If I drink nothing but water and eat only lettuce and apples, will I lose weight fast?
Yes! And if you do it, you'll also probably get sick and you may die! Don't do it!
I have this raised rash on my inner thigh. What do you think it is?
WOAH! Nope. Not diagnosing physical stuff. Go to the doctor and hope to God it isn't syphillis or something.
Why don't you post more pictures of yourself?
If it's pictures you want, I will send you a facebook link. The blog pictures are more to show where I have gone and what I have done, not to show me in these places. I waste enough time uploading to my facebook and photobucket.
What states have you been to?
I have been to 36 states. I won't list them all because they know who they are.
My friends think I am crazy but I judge guys by the type of car they drive. The more expensive it is, the better the relationship will be. I like financial security.
I don't think you're crazy..I think you're a superficial idiot.
I was raised Catholic but have found that I've developed my own religious views over the years. My mom and dad really make me feel guilty about it. What do you think of religion?
I think religion is not as concrete in it's beliefs as it was in the past. People out there have taken it to new extremes and others have developed their own views. Relgion, in my opinion, should be just that..your own personal beliefs, not an extremist view that excludes other people or makes others feel bad for believing something different. Your parents are doing what they know. Talk with them and see what you can do about opening their eyes.
I am afraid to wear deodorant. I hear it makes you get cancer. Any tips?
Yes. Wear deodorant. Without it, you'll stink. Please for the love of God, wear it. The cancer scare is not proven and seems like complete BS.
My boyfriend wants to give me an "Angry Walrus". Do you know what that is? Is it sexual? Is it good?
Yes, I know what it is. Yes, it is sexual, NO it is NOT good. DON'T do it.
What is your shoe size?
13
20090823
Hollie's letter pt 2
I got the responses after work and have been putting together a response. Sorry for the delay, it's been a work filled weekend. Here we go..
1. Are you adopted? Yes I am. How did you know?
2. What is your family life like? Parents married, one brother also adopted. Parents do well. We grew up in a small town and have never moved. I now live in a larger city though. I had to branch out.
3. Do you feel you have self esteem issues? No, but I am self conscious about parts of my body. I was anorexic growing up for a few years.
4. What were your former relationships like? They were all okay, I guess. I dated kind of late, first bf was in college. I've had three since then. The last one was a long and painful downward spiral. Glad to be out.
5. Why do you feel cheesy using online dating services? I just don't know anyone that uses it and I think that my friends would think poorly of me if they knew I was meeting people online. I don't know. You said more and more people are using it? Is it really that common?
Hollie
Statistics show (and there is also little research to argue against this) that adopted children usually have issues with self-esteem. Children's perceptions of their adoption are usually self-centered and as a result, some adopted children have a negative self-image at their core. It's almost as if they feel there was something wrong with them. There isn't! You are a wonderful human being.
Your home life sounds like the typical American family. You say you had to branch out. Were you looking for something? Perhaps to find yourself?
The fact that you were or are self-conscious about parts of your body and (I assume) beat anorexia, also shows that you had some self-esteem issues and were putting too much value in what other people think of you.
Your long and downward spiral lasted for years, I am guessing and you did what you could to get out, but you went back again and again until you finally wised up and ended things for good. If I am right, fine, if not, email me back and we'll discuss this more. Were you with him for the financial stability he provided? Were you with him because his mood swings and temper issues (I am drawing conclusions from how you've "said" what you've "said") gave you some sort of stronger father figure to place yourself with? I am glad you're out of it.
You really do put too much emphasis on what people think of you. Maybe you feel lost at times, like you haven't found yourself. Your self-image appears to me to be made up of what your friends think of you, rather than who you want to be. I recommend seeing a therapist for all of these issues. It seems to me that you aren't able to be honest with yourself about who YOU are. Until that happens, you won't be happy.
If you keep dating while in therapy, do me a favor. Don't have anyone lie for you. It's a hard thing to deal with for both people, but it's made even harder when the guy you're dating is busted in a lie. Be honest with them and let them know you're still getting to understand the world of online dating.
And, finally, yes. TONS of people use it. Millions of us use it. It's a social norm now. Read my past blogs. I've talked about it not too long ago.
Sean
1. Are you adopted? Yes I am. How did you know?
2. What is your family life like? Parents married, one brother also adopted. Parents do well. We grew up in a small town and have never moved. I now live in a larger city though. I had to branch out.
3. Do you feel you have self esteem issues? No, but I am self conscious about parts of my body. I was anorexic growing up for a few years.
4. What were your former relationships like? They were all okay, I guess. I dated kind of late, first bf was in college. I've had three since then. The last one was a long and painful downward spiral. Glad to be out.
5. Why do you feel cheesy using online dating services? I just don't know anyone that uses it and I think that my friends would think poorly of me if they knew I was meeting people online. I don't know. You said more and more people are using it? Is it really that common?
Hollie
Statistics show (and there is also little research to argue against this) that adopted children usually have issues with self-esteem. Children's perceptions of their adoption are usually self-centered and as a result, some adopted children have a negative self-image at their core. It's almost as if they feel there was something wrong with them. There isn't! You are a wonderful human being.
Your home life sounds like the typical American family. You say you had to branch out. Were you looking for something? Perhaps to find yourself?
The fact that you were or are self-conscious about parts of your body and (I assume) beat anorexia, also shows that you had some self-esteem issues and were putting too much value in what other people think of you.
Your long and downward spiral lasted for years, I am guessing and you did what you could to get out, but you went back again and again until you finally wised up and ended things for good. If I am right, fine, if not, email me back and we'll discuss this more. Were you with him for the financial stability he provided? Were you with him because his mood swings and temper issues (I am drawing conclusions from how you've "said" what you've "said") gave you some sort of stronger father figure to place yourself with? I am glad you're out of it.
You really do put too much emphasis on what people think of you. Maybe you feel lost at times, like you haven't found yourself. Your self-image appears to me to be made up of what your friends think of you, rather than who you want to be. I recommend seeing a therapist for all of these issues. It seems to me that you aren't able to be honest with yourself about who YOU are. Until that happens, you won't be happy.
If you keep dating while in therapy, do me a favor. Don't have anyone lie for you. It's a hard thing to deal with for both people, but it's made even harder when the guy you're dating is busted in a lie. Be honest with them and let them know you're still getting to understand the world of online dating.
And, finally, yes. TONS of people use it. Millions of us use it. It's a social norm now. Read my past blogs. I've talked about it not too long ago.
Sean
Hollie's letter pt 1
Earlier today, Hollie wrote:
I have a problem. I am on an internet dating site. Okay, I am on Match. I really love it and it's brought some amazing people into my life, but as quickly as they've entered, they've been scared off. I am absolutely terrified of people finding out I am using the internet to date. I am so scared of people finding out that I lie to my friends and family and I make the men lie too. It just makes me feel cheesy if people know that's how we met. Most take it in stride at first, but get upset and refuse to lie anymore, so I move on..without them.
Help! I don't want to lose any more good people.
P.S. Your last two advice letters were AWESOME.
Hollie (p.s.s. also not my real name)
Well Hollie, I am glad you thought my advice to them was great because I am about to lay into you the same way. You need to grow up. Internet dating is pretty commonplace in this day and age and the fact that you feel "cheesy" doing it is one thing, but lying and asking others to lie too is a different story. It seems to me that you may place WAY too much value in what people think of you. I have a few questions for you, and I'd like you to respond. I'll post them and the second half of my response to you.
1. Are you adopted?
2. What is your family life like?
3. Do you feel you have self esteem issues?
4. What were your former relationships like?
5. Why do you feel cheesy using online dating services?
Sean
I have a problem. I am on an internet dating site. Okay, I am on Match. I really love it and it's brought some amazing people into my life, but as quickly as they've entered, they've been scared off. I am absolutely terrified of people finding out I am using the internet to date. I am so scared of people finding out that I lie to my friends and family and I make the men lie too. It just makes me feel cheesy if people know that's how we met. Most take it in stride at first, but get upset and refuse to lie anymore, so I move on..without them.
Help! I don't want to lose any more good people.
P.S. Your last two advice letters were AWESOME.
Hollie (p.s.s. also not my real name)
Well Hollie, I am glad you thought my advice to them was great because I am about to lay into you the same way. You need to grow up. Internet dating is pretty commonplace in this day and age and the fact that you feel "cheesy" doing it is one thing, but lying and asking others to lie too is a different story. It seems to me that you may place WAY too much value in what people think of you. I have a few questions for you, and I'd like you to respond. I'll post them and the second half of my response to you.
1. Are you adopted?
2. What is your family life like?
3. Do you feel you have self esteem issues?
4. What were your former relationships like?
5. Why do you feel cheesy using online dating services?
Sean
20090819
Album review numero dos
I am a fan of punk music, and have been for my entire listening experience. Yeah, yeah, the Ramones, Pixies, Sex Pistols, and Descendants all come to mind when I mention punk (or they should), but that's not my style. My punk favorites are bands such as: The Maine, Yellowcard, Dashboard Confessional, Get Up Kids, and many more.
Recently, I've been finding punk covers of pop, hip hop and R&B songs, and finally discovered where most of them are coming from. Punk Goes Crunk is the name of the album. It has covers of artists like Akon, Notorious BIG, Dr Dre and Tupac, and Outkast.
The cover of Akon's "I Wanna Love You" is MUCH better than the original Akon version (mainly because it is in more than three different notes. Akon is a bit limited), while the cover of "California Love" provides a different attitude to the rap classic. Finally the cover of Outkast's "Hey Ya" is true to the original, but adds some much needed guitar to the song. Awesome stuff.
A few songs that aren't on the album that are worth checking out are:
"Love in This Club" covered by Minneapolis's own Represent!
"Poker Face" covered by Daughtry
"All My Life" covered by Let's Get It
and another Akon cover..
"Don't Matter" covered by Phone Calls From Home.
If you aren't a fan of covers, you're missing out. These are all awesome.
Album review numero uno.
Fall is my favorite season. It a time when, as Dashboard Confessional said, "another sunsoaked season fades away". Maybe it's the fact that so many adventures are ending and new ones are just beginning, but it's the season that really sets me afire.
Every year, there seems to be an album that is released that becomes the perfect soundtrack for the season. This year it's from Imogen Heap. Her album Ellipse hits stores August 25th, and is absolutely THE autumn soundtrack.
If you don't remember the name, you may remember her song "Hide and Seek". Not only have I referenced it in a past blog, but it's also been on the O.C and a bunch of other shows.
Ellipse is a step up from the other albums and provides an emotional look into relationships gained and lost, learning from mistakes, and self-realization.
On "First Train Home", the lyrics tell a story of time lost in a relationship of dead ends and the yearning to get back to the "home" she loves. Not only is the song chock full of meaningful lyrics, but the music and vocals are ripe with emotion.
Anyway, check out her album, Ellipse..and for that matter, check out her old stuff too.
20090818
Backlash from Lisa
Lisa wrote:
You were kind of a Dick to Jenny. Not all guys that are nice aren't hot. My boyfriend is totally not hot, but I like him. Jenny's just having troubles finding the best of both worlds. What's wrong with wanting a hot guy who will stick around?
Lisa
Well Lisa, if you meant I was a Dick, as in a man named Richard who likes to go by a shortened version of his name, then I would disagree. However, if you meant I was a dick, as if to mean I was penis-like in my response, I would agree. I am a guy..it's easy. Jenny can have the best of both worlds, but if looks or money are your first priorities, you will be let down every time. Everyone wants attraction, but it shouldn't be the sole reason you're with someone. You said you're in "like" with your boyfriend and he's not hot, so why are you with him? Chances are it's because there is something more.
Looks fade, financial security is always jeopardized, and the only thing we have to fall back on is ourselves. Find a deeper meaning to a relationship. If you've ever broken up with someone for not being hot enough or rich enough, you deserve whatever pot of steaming crap you fall in to...BUT learn from it and grow as a person. Get out of that situation and move on.
Again, not all guys with six packs are dickish and vain bastards. I know many that aren't, but you won't find them flaunting their body or money. Good guys don't do that. Good guys are the ones getting a good night's sleep while the bad guys are out soiling the sheets of women that are looking for the "good guy."
Sean
P.S. You owe your boyfriend an apology.
You were kind of a Dick to Jenny. Not all guys that are nice aren't hot. My boyfriend is totally not hot, but I like him. Jenny's just having troubles finding the best of both worlds. What's wrong with wanting a hot guy who will stick around?
Lisa
Well Lisa, if you meant I was a Dick, as in a man named Richard who likes to go by a shortened version of his name, then I would disagree. However, if you meant I was a dick, as if to mean I was penis-like in my response, I would agree. I am a guy..it's easy. Jenny can have the best of both worlds, but if looks or money are your first priorities, you will be let down every time. Everyone wants attraction, but it shouldn't be the sole reason you're with someone. You said you're in "like" with your boyfriend and he's not hot, so why are you with him? Chances are it's because there is something more.
Looks fade, financial security is always jeopardized, and the only thing we have to fall back on is ourselves. Find a deeper meaning to a relationship. If you've ever broken up with someone for not being hot enough or rich enough, you deserve whatever pot of steaming crap you fall in to...BUT learn from it and grow as a person. Get out of that situation and move on.
Again, not all guys with six packs are dickish and vain bastards. I know many that aren't, but you won't find them flaunting their body or money. Good guys don't do that. Good guys are the ones getting a good night's sleep while the bad guys are out soiling the sheets of women that are looking for the "good guy."
Sean
P.S. You owe your boyfriend an apology.
Jenny's letter
Jenny wrote:
Are there any good guys left? All I want is a hot guy with a six pack that loves to travel and go out. All I ever get is guys that are dishonest, vain, self-centered, materialistic jerks. I am 27 years old and don't want to settle, but I can't figure out where all of the good ones are..
Jenny
Oof Jenny. Letters like this take every bit of my good nature to fight the urge to rip you a new one as I respond.
If all you want is a "hot guy" with a six pack that is in to travel and going out, chances are that you're attracting those self-centered, materialistic, vain jerks. What personality traits do you look for? What about kindness, honesty, good conversation, trust, or intelligence? Are you even looking for those, or does the idea of a washboard stomach scrub those traits right out of your head?
The good ones are all around you. You are just too closed-minded to see that. It's the guy that would talk to you in the middle of the night because you'd have a bad day, or the guy that would drive 20 miles just to help jump your car that are the GOOD ones. The types you are attracting are just like slapping paint on a condemned building. It may look good on the outside, but inside it's just rotten. Not all "pretty boys" are like this, some are actually nice guys. However, if you're coupling the "pretty boy" type with material excesses like travel and going out, you're usually picking out the "good boy" types and leaving a thick layer of douchiness.
Open your eyes and look around. There are good guys everywhere. With and without six packs.
Sean
Are there any good guys left? All I want is a hot guy with a six pack that loves to travel and go out. All I ever get is guys that are dishonest, vain, self-centered, materialistic jerks. I am 27 years old and don't want to settle, but I can't figure out where all of the good ones are..
Jenny
Oof Jenny. Letters like this take every bit of my good nature to fight the urge to rip you a new one as I respond.
If all you want is a "hot guy" with a six pack that is in to travel and going out, chances are that you're attracting those self-centered, materialistic, vain jerks. What personality traits do you look for? What about kindness, honesty, good conversation, trust, or intelligence? Are you even looking for those, or does the idea of a washboard stomach scrub those traits right out of your head?
The good ones are all around you. You are just too closed-minded to see that. It's the guy that would talk to you in the middle of the night because you'd have a bad day, or the guy that would drive 20 miles just to help jump your car that are the GOOD ones. The types you are attracting are just like slapping paint on a condemned building. It may look good on the outside, but inside it's just rotten. Not all "pretty boys" are like this, some are actually nice guys. However, if you're coupling the "pretty boy" type with material excesses like travel and going out, you're usually picking out the "good boy" types and leaving a thick layer of douchiness.
Open your eyes and look around. There are good guys everywhere. With and without six packs.
Sean
20090817
Growing up...
Spencer wrote:
I am 29 years old and am dating a 24 year old girl. We've been in a relationship for almost 6 months and she is looking to make things more serious, but I am having issues with her maturity level, and am not sure I should make that move.
What's wrong you ask? Everything is drama with her. She talks about all of her friends behind their backs, she wants to party and drink all of the time, she gets upset over stupid things, she is always jealous when people talk to me (even women), and when she's not out partying, she wants to spend ALL of the time with me. I just feel like a babysitter more than a boyfriend. What should I do? I like her, but our fights have grown so frequent that I can't help but to want out.
Spencer
Well Spencer, I say GTFO. There seems to be more than maturity issues with her and the fact that they are increasing in frequency also shows me that she is losing respect for you as a person and beginning to view you more as an object. Perhaps she likes the IDEA of having a boyfriend, but in reality isn't ready for one. Are her parents divorced? Is she lacking a positive male role model in her life? Besides the smothering issues, which to me seem small compared to the others, she seems to have self esteem and trust issues. You'd be better off keeping her as a friend (and making sure she talks to a therapist to get over these issues) than keeping her as a girlfriend.
True, some of the partying may be due to the age, but if it really is all of the time, there may be some chemical dependency issues as well. I am guessing that when she parties, she doesn't take you with her. Personally, I've always had the motto: If the person you're dating wants to exclude you and be out with their friends more than they want to spend time with you, then they're not ready for a relationship, because that's NOT a relationship. A relationship is doing things together, but also maintaining your own priorities. It's communication, trust, understanding, friendship, and love. The final flag I saw was the fact that she is excluding you from her wild nights with friends, but gets jealous of others talking with you. To me, it seems that she may be doing some things out on these wild nights that she is worried you'd be upset about, then she is projecting those same fears back on you.
All in all, she seems like a ball of trouble. I hope you can maintain a friendship with her, but I'd recommend letting go of the relationship.
Sean
I am 29 years old and am dating a 24 year old girl. We've been in a relationship for almost 6 months and she is looking to make things more serious, but I am having issues with her maturity level, and am not sure I should make that move.
What's wrong you ask? Everything is drama with her. She talks about all of her friends behind their backs, she wants to party and drink all of the time, she gets upset over stupid things, she is always jealous when people talk to me (even women), and when she's not out partying, she wants to spend ALL of the time with me. I just feel like a babysitter more than a boyfriend. What should I do? I like her, but our fights have grown so frequent that I can't help but to want out.
Spencer
Well Spencer, I say GTFO. There seems to be more than maturity issues with her and the fact that they are increasing in frequency also shows me that she is losing respect for you as a person and beginning to view you more as an object. Perhaps she likes the IDEA of having a boyfriend, but in reality isn't ready for one. Are her parents divorced? Is she lacking a positive male role model in her life? Besides the smothering issues, which to me seem small compared to the others, she seems to have self esteem and trust issues. You'd be better off keeping her as a friend (and making sure she talks to a therapist to get over these issues) than keeping her as a girlfriend.
True, some of the partying may be due to the age, but if it really is all of the time, there may be some chemical dependency issues as well. I am guessing that when she parties, she doesn't take you with her. Personally, I've always had the motto: If the person you're dating wants to exclude you and be out with their friends more than they want to spend time with you, then they're not ready for a relationship, because that's NOT a relationship. A relationship is doing things together, but also maintaining your own priorities. It's communication, trust, understanding, friendship, and love. The final flag I saw was the fact that she is excluding you from her wild nights with friends, but gets jealous of others talking with you. To me, it seems that she may be doing some things out on these wild nights that she is worried you'd be upset about, then she is projecting those same fears back on you.
All in all, she seems like a ball of trouble. I hope you can maintain a friendship with her, but I'd recommend letting go of the relationship.
Sean
20090815
Greg's letter..
Greg wrote:
Sorry to hear about the neck stuff. I was in a car accident awhile ago and had some neck issues. I can totally identify.
I was writing to you because I have a problem. I have mild schizophrenia. I take Haldol to manage it, but it's something that can easily take over my life if I don't take the meds. Anyway, here's the problem. I met someone. She lives about 11 hours away and I met her online. My town is small, everyone knows who I am and most people here have seen me have my issues before I got them under control, so needless to say, I haven't really dated anyone from my town.
I really like this girl though, and I am afraid if I tell her I am schizophrenic, she will run away. We've been talking online and by phone for months and she finally said she wanted to come see me.
I want to meet her face to face and see how things go, but I am so scared to show her a very big part of me that I've been hiding. What do I do?
Greg
Greg, you should have told her before things progressed, but now you NEED to tell her as soon as you can. I feel that connections people make are all about how deep the connection is, and how open we are about who we are. If we can't do these things, we're not really being honest with ourselves or the people we meet. Yes, you may have had some people leave your life because you told them about your schizophrenia (or they witnessed it), but if they are willing to walk away from you just because you have something you couldn't control getting, then these aren't people you want in your life. Small towns can be breeding grounds for closed-mindedness and fearing the unknown. I've been there and seen it happen to plenty of people. There are people out there that want to be in your life; that would be happy to be in your life, but you need to either open your eyes and realize this, or seek them out. Have you considered moving? In any event, let this woman know. Explain it to her with all honesty and tell her why you kept this from her. If she understands and can accept you for who you are, then you'll be fine. If she doesn't, then seek out those "quality people".
Good luck.
Sorry to hear about the neck stuff. I was in a car accident awhile ago and had some neck issues. I can totally identify.
I was writing to you because I have a problem. I have mild schizophrenia. I take Haldol to manage it, but it's something that can easily take over my life if I don't take the meds. Anyway, here's the problem. I met someone. She lives about 11 hours away and I met her online. My town is small, everyone knows who I am and most people here have seen me have my issues before I got them under control, so needless to say, I haven't really dated anyone from my town.
I really like this girl though, and I am afraid if I tell her I am schizophrenic, she will run away. We've been talking online and by phone for months and she finally said she wanted to come see me.
I want to meet her face to face and see how things go, but I am so scared to show her a very big part of me that I've been hiding. What do I do?
Greg
Greg, you should have told her before things progressed, but now you NEED to tell her as soon as you can. I feel that connections people make are all about how deep the connection is, and how open we are about who we are. If we can't do these things, we're not really being honest with ourselves or the people we meet. Yes, you may have had some people leave your life because you told them about your schizophrenia (or they witnessed it), but if they are willing to walk away from you just because you have something you couldn't control getting, then these aren't people you want in your life. Small towns can be breeding grounds for closed-mindedness and fearing the unknown. I've been there and seen it happen to plenty of people. There are people out there that want to be in your life; that would be happy to be in your life, but you need to either open your eyes and realize this, or seek them out. Have you considered moving? In any event, let this woman know. Explain it to her with all honesty and tell her why you kept this from her. If she understands and can accept you for who you are, then you'll be fine. If she doesn't, then seek out those "quality people".
Good luck.
20090812
Nathan's letter
Nathan wrote:
Hi man,
Love the site. Your relationship advice is the greatest. I think sometimes you tell people what they need to hear and not what they want to hear, so if may be a bit rough, but it's the truth, so it helps in the long run. Keep up the good work.
I have a fitness question. I have started to lose weight but I can't seem to tone up my lower abdominal area. I lift weights, I do crunches, and I go for 30 minutes on the elliptical, but the gut fat stays. What gives?
Nathan
Thanks for the feedback Nathan. I have a habit of telling it like it is and I am glad you agree that telling people what they need to hear versus what they want to hear is healthy. To answer your question, we'll have to look at two things. Diet and exercise.
Diet is a big factor in losing that gut fat, as you called it. If you're working out and eating crap from Mc D's every other day, or you're downing an entire frozen pizza after the gym, you're not doing any good. Make sure you're sticking to a caloric goal. 1800-2000 calories per day is a good goal to start with, if you have led an unhealthy eating lifestyle. Cut down on your fats and up your proteins. NO FAST FOOD. This doesn't mean you can't go out with your friends or family, but just make healthy choices when out. CUT OUT HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP! It's in just about everything, including bread, so cut as much as you can. Juices and pop are the big two. Try Crystal Light, water, or sugar free drinks instead.
The exercise part is working well for you I assume, since you seemed to be satisfied with the other results you're getting. I would recommend jogging instead of your elliptical machine. You need to burn some serious calories and really push that muscle work, so jogging (and eventually running), for a long period of time will definitely help. Start with a nice jog for about 12 minutes, then work up from there. Your goal should be three miles or more per workout.
Adjusting these two small things in your daily life will produce some great results. I hope it helps! Let me know how things go!
Sean
Hi man,
Love the site. Your relationship advice is the greatest. I think sometimes you tell people what they need to hear and not what they want to hear, so if may be a bit rough, but it's the truth, so it helps in the long run. Keep up the good work.
I have a fitness question. I have started to lose weight but I can't seem to tone up my lower abdominal area. I lift weights, I do crunches, and I go for 30 minutes on the elliptical, but the gut fat stays. What gives?
Nathan
Thanks for the feedback Nathan. I have a habit of telling it like it is and I am glad you agree that telling people what they need to hear versus what they want to hear is healthy. To answer your question, we'll have to look at two things. Diet and exercise.
Diet is a big factor in losing that gut fat, as you called it. If you're working out and eating crap from Mc D's every other day, or you're downing an entire frozen pizza after the gym, you're not doing any good. Make sure you're sticking to a caloric goal. 1800-2000 calories per day is a good goal to start with, if you have led an unhealthy eating lifestyle. Cut down on your fats and up your proteins. NO FAST FOOD. This doesn't mean you can't go out with your friends or family, but just make healthy choices when out. CUT OUT HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP! It's in just about everything, including bread, so cut as much as you can. Juices and pop are the big two. Try Crystal Light, water, or sugar free drinks instead.
The exercise part is working well for you I assume, since you seemed to be satisfied with the other results you're getting. I would recommend jogging instead of your elliptical machine. You need to burn some serious calories and really push that muscle work, so jogging (and eventually running), for a long period of time will definitely help. Start with a nice jog for about 12 minutes, then work up from there. Your goal should be three miles or more per workout.
Adjusting these two small things in your daily life will produce some great results. I hope it helps! Let me know how things go!
Sean
20090811
Back in the saddle..
So I've been out of commission for a few days with a screwed up neck. I haven't done much other than work and sleep. I don't know how it happened, but I woke up today and it was gone.
I am getting back to normal and will have a new post or two tomorrow.
I am getting back to normal and will have a new post or two tomorrow.
20090808
holy backlash batman..
Looks like my last post caused some controversy. I will clarify and hopefully shed some more light on the advice I gave.
True, while dating has become more difficult for both men and women, The fading of the tradition of courting has actually made things easier in the dating world. Courting should not be confused with flirting or being respectful or romantic either..courting was a guy showering a woman with gifts and attention in the hope that she'd eventually give in and date him. There us much more to it than that, but I just explained the framework.
All courting did was give the man control. In a time when women had THE goal of finding a man and marrying him, only to stay at home, pop out kids, and make sure dinner was ready by the time hubby came home, courting gave the male power to pick and choose his mate. He'd talk with her parents and then they'd court, briefly date, then get married.
In today's society men and women are both formidable forces in the dating world and I feel both people should be equally active. Courting isn't dating, and if your idea of dating doesn't involve being close, possibly holding hands, and getting to know someone on a personal level, then you aren't dating..chances are you're just sleeping with someone. Dating is a complicated, wonderful, sometimes emotional experience, and when it seem that one person is doing 100% of the work in a situation like that, I can easily see that person getting frustrated and taking their efforts to someone that will reciprocate.
My advice was to let go of the courting plan and to move on to actual dating. It's when two people SHARE these experiences that things truly become magical.
True, while dating has become more difficult for both men and women, The fading of the tradition of courting has actually made things easier in the dating world. Courting should not be confused with flirting or being respectful or romantic either..courting was a guy showering a woman with gifts and attention in the hope that she'd eventually give in and date him. There us much more to it than that, but I just explained the framework.
All courting did was give the man control. In a time when women had THE goal of finding a man and marrying him, only to stay at home, pop out kids, and make sure dinner was ready by the time hubby came home, courting gave the male power to pick and choose his mate. He'd talk with her parents and then they'd court, briefly date, then get married.
In today's society men and women are both formidable forces in the dating world and I feel both people should be equally active. Courting isn't dating, and if your idea of dating doesn't involve being close, possibly holding hands, and getting to know someone on a personal level, then you aren't dating..chances are you're just sleeping with someone. Dating is a complicated, wonderful, sometimes emotional experience, and when it seem that one person is doing 100% of the work in a situation like that, I can easily see that person getting frustrated and taking their efforts to someone that will reciprocate.
My advice was to let go of the courting plan and to move on to actual dating. It's when two people SHARE these experiences that things truly become magical.
Missy's letter
Missy wrote:
Is it too old fashioned of me to think that men should do the footwork when it comes to romance? By that, I mean they should be calling the woman to talk, they should be paying for dates, they should be "courting" the woman. I consider myself old fashioned, but it seems that most guys today don't stick around for long once they find that out. What gives?
Missy
Missy, I think those times have passed, to be quite honest and I feel it's time you step into the current century. Women have made so much social progress in the last several decades and it seems as if you are trying to take a step back. I am not saying you have to pay for every meal or make every phone call, but it's my guess that the other guys gave up when they started feeling like you weren't giving anything to the budding relationship. If I had to call a woman every time I wanted to talk, I'd give up in under a week. I'd think, "Maybe she's just not interested.." and let it go. "Courting" is an ancient term in the world of dating. You shouldn't have to impress the person you like. Just be natural. Talk to them, listen to them, and just enjoy getting to know them.
Pay for dinner with the next person you find yourself fascinated by. Make a phone call to the guy you like, step into the modern times and see how much better the dating world has become.
Sean
Is it too old fashioned of me to think that men should do the footwork when it comes to romance? By that, I mean they should be calling the woman to talk, they should be paying for dates, they should be "courting" the woman. I consider myself old fashioned, but it seems that most guys today don't stick around for long once they find that out. What gives?
Missy
Missy, I think those times have passed, to be quite honest and I feel it's time you step into the current century. Women have made so much social progress in the last several decades and it seems as if you are trying to take a step back. I am not saying you have to pay for every meal or make every phone call, but it's my guess that the other guys gave up when they started feeling like you weren't giving anything to the budding relationship. If I had to call a woman every time I wanted to talk, I'd give up in under a week. I'd think, "Maybe she's just not interested.." and let it go. "Courting" is an ancient term in the world of dating. You shouldn't have to impress the person you like. Just be natural. Talk to them, listen to them, and just enjoy getting to know them.
Pay for dinner with the next person you find yourself fascinated by. Make a phone call to the guy you like, step into the modern times and see how much better the dating world has become.
Sean
20090805
Sarah's letter
Sarah wrote:
I really like your site, but your fitness seems to be focusing on being thin to be healthy. I am a big girl. I like being a big girl. I walk, I eat healthy, but I don't work out and I definitely do cardio. Do you have something against big women?
Sarah
Thanks for writing Sarah. To answer it bluntly, I do not have anything against big women.
Being fit takes more than eating healthy and walking however. You can have good blood pressure and good cholesterol, but if you avoid cardio (and I mean 15-30 minutes at least 4 times a week of intensive cardio), you run a higher risk of having health issues as you age. Some women will never be thin, and there is nothing wrong with that. The issue I am trying to drive home with fitness is not being thin equals being healthy- it's being healthy is a conscious decision to do what's right for yourself and your body.
It's like a car. If you maintain it, it runs smoothly. If you let the maintenance go, it begins to fall apart. Looking at it personally from that perspective, I'd rather drive a Lexus than a Pinto.
Sean
I really like your site, but your fitness seems to be focusing on being thin to be healthy. I am a big girl. I like being a big girl. I walk, I eat healthy, but I don't work out and I definitely do cardio. Do you have something against big women?
Sarah
Thanks for writing Sarah. To answer it bluntly, I do not have anything against big women.
Being fit takes more than eating healthy and walking however. You can have good blood pressure and good cholesterol, but if you avoid cardio (and I mean 15-30 minutes at least 4 times a week of intensive cardio), you run a higher risk of having health issues as you age. Some women will never be thin, and there is nothing wrong with that. The issue I am trying to drive home with fitness is not being thin equals being healthy- it's being healthy is a conscious decision to do what's right for yourself and your body.
It's like a car. If you maintain it, it runs smoothly. If you let the maintenance go, it begins to fall apart. Looking at it personally from that perspective, I'd rather drive a Lexus than a Pinto.
Sean
20090804
Sonja's letter
Sonja from New Jersey wrote:
I have a problem. I am dating someone are think I am in love with someone else. The bigger problem is that my current boyfriend has been talking marriage. We've had a rocky relationship and it's been nothing short of complicated, but we've stayed together (out of comfort? convenience?) for four years now. I know that he isn't someone I want to spend my life with, but I do value his friendship and companionship. He isn't abusive, mentally or physically, and he's never cheated, but we fight alot and it's over stupid things.
This new guy is someone I've known for almost a year. He recently told me he loved me while we were hanging out and it blew me away. Am I actually in love with this guy or is my need to escape the current situation making me think I am?
Sonja
From what you're explaining to me and with the words you've chosen, I am guessing that you are not in love with this guy, plain and simple. You may really like him, but it also appears that you're viewing him as a "way out" and not as an individual. Sure, it'd be easy to say to the current boyfriend, "I'm sorry, I can't be with you anymore, I am in love with someone else." But in the end, you'd be losing out. If you're not happy, then say you're not happy and end the relationship. Give it time and maintain a friendship after the dist has cleared. Date people. Don't just jump into things with the new guy. This new guy has gotten to know you, and if he truly does love you, he'll understand that giving you time to make your decisions clearer is the right move to make...even if it means you won't be choosing him.
Have you truly worked on things with the current guy? Or do you just argue and complain to your friends and family? Have you tried therapy or talking about things together? If you've tried all aspects to save your relationship and it still doesn't work, do NOT stay together out of convenience. Just let things go. It's better in the end.
Good luck.
Sean
I have a problem. I am dating someone are think I am in love with someone else. The bigger problem is that my current boyfriend has been talking marriage. We've had a rocky relationship and it's been nothing short of complicated, but we've stayed together (out of comfort? convenience?) for four years now. I know that he isn't someone I want to spend my life with, but I do value his friendship and companionship. He isn't abusive, mentally or physically, and he's never cheated, but we fight alot and it's over stupid things.
This new guy is someone I've known for almost a year. He recently told me he loved me while we were hanging out and it blew me away. Am I actually in love with this guy or is my need to escape the current situation making me think I am?
Sonja
From what you're explaining to me and with the words you've chosen, I am guessing that you are not in love with this guy, plain and simple. You may really like him, but it also appears that you're viewing him as a "way out" and not as an individual. Sure, it'd be easy to say to the current boyfriend, "I'm sorry, I can't be with you anymore, I am in love with someone else." But in the end, you'd be losing out. If you're not happy, then say you're not happy and end the relationship. Give it time and maintain a friendship after the dist has cleared. Date people. Don't just jump into things with the new guy. This new guy has gotten to know you, and if he truly does love you, he'll understand that giving you time to make your decisions clearer is the right move to make...even if it means you won't be choosing him.
Have you truly worked on things with the current guy? Or do you just argue and complain to your friends and family? Have you tried therapy or talking about things together? If you've tried all aspects to save your relationship and it still doesn't work, do NOT stay together out of convenience. Just let things go. It's better in the end.
Good luck.
Sean
20090803
Blaine's letter
Blaine from Green Bay wrote:
I like your site man. Good stuff here. Keep it up.
Here's my deal. I can't stop dating. I was in a marriage for three years and was cheated on by my wife at the time. I've been single for about a year now and I've been dating different people, but I don't want to take the step toward a relationship. I do, but I mean, I get scared, so I either end up ending that dating connection or just keep dating them, while I start dating more people.
It's getting to be too hectic for me. I rarely sleep during the week because I'm out with someone, or someone else, and there's this nagging feeling in me, telling me to slow down, but I am afraid. I also like the people I date, I just don't want to hurt anyone like I've been hurt. What do I do?
Blaine
It sounds like you already know this answer Blaine, but you're too afraid to take that step. You DO need to slow down. If this is affecting your sleep, affecting your happiness and your long term well-being, it's time to take a deeper look as to why you're doing this.
Being betrayed by someone you love can have devastating effects on your self-esteem and self-worth. Are you actually dating to feel like you can get any person you want, or are you dating to find happiness again? If you're out to prove something with your dating, I'd recommend seeing a therapist to work through those issues. The last thing you need is to have (and I am assuming these "people" are women, so correct me if I am wrong) 10 women pregnant and knocking at your door.
If you are indeed dating for happiness, then there's nothing wrong with being up front and honest and dating different people. I wouldn't recommend taking any of them to a sexual level, but dating and getting to know people is a safe idea. Don't keep up at the pace you're at, however..it's just not a good idea to stretch yourself so thin that you aren't being healthy. Slim down your dating and focus on getting yourself some "me time" during the week. A little more sleep couldn't hurt either.
Sean
I like your site man. Good stuff here. Keep it up.
Here's my deal. I can't stop dating. I was in a marriage for three years and was cheated on by my wife at the time. I've been single for about a year now and I've been dating different people, but I don't want to take the step toward a relationship. I do, but I mean, I get scared, so I either end up ending that dating connection or just keep dating them, while I start dating more people.
It's getting to be too hectic for me. I rarely sleep during the week because I'm out with someone, or someone else, and there's this nagging feeling in me, telling me to slow down, but I am afraid. I also like the people I date, I just don't want to hurt anyone like I've been hurt. What do I do?
Blaine
It sounds like you already know this answer Blaine, but you're too afraid to take that step. You DO need to slow down. If this is affecting your sleep, affecting your happiness and your long term well-being, it's time to take a deeper look as to why you're doing this.
Being betrayed by someone you love can have devastating effects on your self-esteem and self-worth. Are you actually dating to feel like you can get any person you want, or are you dating to find happiness again? If you're out to prove something with your dating, I'd recommend seeing a therapist to work through those issues. The last thing you need is to have (and I am assuming these "people" are women, so correct me if I am wrong) 10 women pregnant and knocking at your door.
If you are indeed dating for happiness, then there's nothing wrong with being up front and honest and dating different people. I wouldn't recommend taking any of them to a sexual level, but dating and getting to know people is a safe idea. Don't keep up at the pace you're at, however..it's just not a good idea to stretch yourself so thin that you aren't being healthy. Slim down your dating and focus on getting yourself some "me time" during the week. A little more sleep couldn't hurt either.
Sean
20090801
Bonnie
Bonnie from WI wrote:
Hi Sean
I am a little older than most of your readers, I am assuming, since I've never heard of any of your music artists, but a work friend recommended this site after I came to her for advice.
Here is my issue. I am out of a 10 year marriage and finding it tough to go back into the dating scene. I am over my ex, he was unfaithful, and as much as it hurt, it wasn't worth sticking around for (waiting for him to change).
I have been single for a year now and feel like I've found myself again, but I am finding the whole dating scene intimidating. I've tried meeting people through friends, but it doesn't work. I've tried singles clubs, but it doesn't work (THOSE seem to be more of a random hookup club). I haven't tried internet dating and I am wondering what you think of it?
Bonnie
Thanks for writing Bonnie. I am glad you took time after your relationship to reestablish yourself. It really gives a new perspective, huh? Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am all for internet dating. Yeah, I know there's that Match.com link over to the left, but I am not saying I like internet dating for that reason..
I think that times have changed. Where our parents may have found someone through social fucntions or going to the bar or club (disco?), it's not usually a good option anymore. I've also found that our friends often confuse their own interests when choosing someone for their friend to meet as well. Internet dating is a safe way to get to know someone before meeting them face to face. It's also nice to see if things even click, before meeting in person. If not, then ho harm done..but if things click and you do meet, it can make for a fun evening of getting to know someone even more. It's not for everyone, but I'd recommend trying it to see if it's right for you.
Sean
Hi Sean
I am a little older than most of your readers, I am assuming, since I've never heard of any of your music artists, but a work friend recommended this site after I came to her for advice.
Here is my issue. I am out of a 10 year marriage and finding it tough to go back into the dating scene. I am over my ex, he was unfaithful, and as much as it hurt, it wasn't worth sticking around for (waiting for him to change).
I have been single for a year now and feel like I've found myself again, but I am finding the whole dating scene intimidating. I've tried meeting people through friends, but it doesn't work. I've tried singles clubs, but it doesn't work (THOSE seem to be more of a random hookup club). I haven't tried internet dating and I am wondering what you think of it?
Bonnie
Thanks for writing Bonnie. I am glad you took time after your relationship to reestablish yourself. It really gives a new perspective, huh? Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am all for internet dating. Yeah, I know there's that Match.com link over to the left, but I am not saying I like internet dating for that reason..
I think that times have changed. Where our parents may have found someone through social fucntions or going to the bar or club (disco?), it's not usually a good option anymore. I've also found that our friends often confuse their own interests when choosing someone for their friend to meet as well. Internet dating is a safe way to get to know someone before meeting them face to face. It's also nice to see if things even click, before meeting in person. If not, then ho harm done..but if things click and you do meet, it can make for a fun evening of getting to know someone even more. It's not for everyone, but I'd recommend trying it to see if it's right for you.
Sean
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