Sonja's letter

Sonja from New Jersey wrote:

I have a problem. I am dating someone are think I am in love with someone else. The bigger problem is that my current boyfriend has been talking marriage. We've had a rocky relationship and it's been nothing short of complicated, but we've stayed together (out of comfort? convenience?) for four years now. I know that he isn't someone I want to spend my life with, but I do value his friendship and companionship. He isn't abusive, mentally or physically, and he's never cheated, but we fight alot and it's over stupid things.

This new guy is someone I've known for almost a year. He recently told me he loved me while we were hanging out and it blew me away. Am I actually in love with this guy or is my need to escape the current situation making me think I am?

Sonja

From what you're explaining to me and with the words you've chosen, I am guessing that you are not in love with this guy, plain and simple. You may really like him, but it also appears that you're viewing him as a "way out" and not as an individual. Sure, it'd be easy to say to the current boyfriend, "I'm sorry, I can't be with you anymore, I am in love with someone else." But in the end, you'd be losing out. If you're not happy, then say you're not happy and end the relationship. Give it time and maintain a friendship after the dist has cleared. Date people. Don't just jump into things with the new guy. This new guy has gotten to know you, and if he truly does love you, he'll understand that giving you time to make your decisions clearer is the right move to make...even if it means you won't be choosing him.

Have you truly worked on things with the current guy? Or do you just argue and complain to your friends and family? Have you tried therapy or talking about things together? If you've tried all aspects to save your relationship and it still doesn't work, do NOT stay together out of convenience. Just let things go. It's better in the end.

Good luck.

Sean