Tammy's letter

Tammy wrote:

Sean,

You seem to have a good outlook on the whole relationship thing which is why I am writing you.

I am a 36 year old, single member of an online dating site and am becoming frustrated. I wrote a really good profile, I wasn't overly set in my ways about anything in there so people wouldn't see me as stubborn or stuck in my ways, I put up all of the best pictures I had (pre-baby weight of course), and I tried as I could to hide my personality flaws, but it seems the dates I go on are anything but magical. The people often end the date an hour or so into it, or they tell me I was deceitful in my profile. Are people really that obsessed with looks that putting up my old pictures matters THAT much? I do have two newer ones there, but they're just not very big..

Tammy

Tammy,

Have you seen the Carfax commercials lately? One shows a car in a hurricane caused flood, getting windblown, door part way open, almost completely soaked with water, while the commercial makes the owner look like they're setting up an ad that says "Newly Upholstered". Carfax is saying that sometimes people will be false and misleading.

That is exactly what you are doing. By being ambiguous in who you are and what you want, by putting up old pictures, and by "hiding yourself" in tiny new pictures, you're not being honest with other people. I commend the guys for being upfront and letting you know that you weren't what they were looking for. It's not easy to do right off of the bat, and when they feel deceived, it can usually lead to being angry rather than practical. Looks aren't everything but I (and other people obviously) feel that they are a gateway to a connection. I feel there has to be some attraction or intimacy will never happen.

It seems to me that you need to work on yourself and who you are before you start dating other people. If I am understanding your words, you have some major self-esteem issues here, and couple that with your willingness to just be whoever someone wants you to be and you also seem like you have a low self-worth (or an overly strong desire to just be with anyone).

There are people out there that find you beautiful and that will accept you for who you are, but if you don't know who you are or you cannot be honest with who you are and what you want, then you won't find happiness.

Leave the dating world for awhile and fix things. Come back and be ready to be honest. If you're open and honest, you'll find exactly what you are looking for.

Sean