Kari

Kari wrote:

Sean

I really like your site. I work three jobs so I don't have much time to read, but after months of checking, I am finally caught up. You are a brilliant writer. Have you ever considered going pro? I am sure you'd have thousands of new fans, with the right publicity.

Anywho, I am writing to you because I have a friend that is heading down the wrong path. She's 23 and is slowly pitching her life down the toilet. Here's the deal:

She was abused sexually by her stepfather when she was just 8. She ran away from home and was finally able to talk with her mom about things when she was 16. The problem is, is I think she feels dirty for what happened. She uses men sexually, has drug and drinking problems, and is very defeatist on her future. Soometimes, she cries when we hang out and states (in a round-about way) that she feels she isn't good enough for anyone normal.

How can I help her? I've never had things like what she's been through happen to me, so I don't know what to say.

Kari

Well Kari,
These issues are all tough to deal with from her perspective as well as yours. When there is molestation, rape, or sexual abuse of any kind involved at an early age, it can cause the person to detach themselves from reality in order to deal with the aftershock of what happened. If this isn't resolved and too much time passes, it's like an open wound, it gets bigger and worse, and the problems just keep piling up as a result. If she is using men sexually, it may signify that she is looking for control in her life and she feels this is the only way to control the chaos. If she has the upper hand with the men in her life and can control them, it may be making her feel like things are less chaotic. The drinking and drug issues tell me that she is looking for some sort of escape from what she is feeling is a very harsh reality. Does she just drink when there aren't men to control or does she drink and use drugs all of the time?

You mentioned she talked with her mom about it. Is her mom still married to that man? Has your friend or her mother confronted him about it? Lack of resolution seems to be a "gorilla in the room" here and may be the start of something positive.

When things like this happen, innocence is shattered in an instant and entire lives get turned on their ends. It's what happens afterward that will dictate how the future plays out. I'd recommend you to recommend therapy for her, as a friend, and as someone who cares about her future. Do what you can to get her there.

Sean